MICKLEOVER ROYALS 2-3 GLAPWELL: match report by The Mowdog...

Royal Gaffs Spoil Mickleover’s Rolls Day Out

Mickleover Royals 2 Glapwell 3

Glapwell kick off as the ref chats to his mum on his mobile...

This game was played at Moor Lane, Rolls Royce, Derby, despite a huge error by the groundsman, who managed to over-book the soccer pitches. But who would argue with Gary Hamson when he has a frown on? There are only two pitches at Gate 1 in fact, so not very difficult to deal with, I would have thought… Great to see Jordan Hall with Glapwell, following his time with Mickleover Sports and I was grateful to the Glapwell Tweeter and the Royal Dynasty of Hamsons for giving me lists of their players beforehand, although the Royals replacements’ names needed some pursuing afterwards. I apologise therefore for any understandable errors in my report of a game which looked in the bag for Royals, who were 2-0 ahead at the break, but their influx of substitutes, including a goalie who suffered a tough time, was seized upon by the visitors, who had constantly changed one or two players throughout the game, to edge a 2-3 victory. Also of course, you don’t look a gift horse in the mouth, you accept charity, and a couple of bad errors by Mickleover were ruthlessly punished, whilst the Royals’ second-half finishing looked as feeble as a toddler’s at times.

Glapwell's Trigg kicks, er, a young lady in the head but his marker Simpson head-butts the ball...
Bizarre.

The Royals began with confidence and soon, Sam Bartram was scythed down from behind by Glapwell skipper Tom Robley, like he was doing an impression of Norman Hunter in his Leeds days and although the free-kick was quickly taken by the hosts, winger Alex Marshall was correctly adjudged offside by a strip of a linesman, who appeared as though he could use a week’s holiday at McDonald’s. Jordan Simpson failed to connect properly with a header from Ash Foster’s left-wing corner for Royals and the lively hosts, passing the ball whenever possible and exploiting a bit of a weakness on the right defensive flank of Glapwell, managed to threaten again, following a lumped punt forward, not quite their neat passing game but hey-ho, only for Foster’s lobbed effort to drift well off target with Bartram in attendance. Marshall fed Bartram for an instant shot, which beat goalie John Styring but flew wide then a fine centre from the left again by Marshall saw Bartram flying beyond the far post, like a relay triathlete diving into a loch for the swimming-leg but his header across goal was cleared and the chance duly lost. However, Bartram and Marshall forced Styring out to 18 yards to intercede from a through-pass, the ball bounced straight to Bartram and he clipped a 20 yard effort into the right corner of the net and the hosts led, with their own idle ‘keeper Ash Warner no doubt thinking about fetching a sun-lounger from his car to bathe upon in the warm July sunlight.

Bartram (9) is congratulated: 1-0 to Royals...

Derrick Miller was defending stoutly for Glapwell and would do so more effectively later, Jason Foster was looking to be creative but tall, languid striker Oli Trigg was being held too easily by home defenders Simpson and Oli Buxton, whereas for the hosts, full-backs Chris Martin and Rob Grey were willingly supporting their offensive colleagues. Marshall continued to enjoy the space to sprint into on the far left for Royals however but after Jason Foster’s fine diagonal pass to the right for Glapwell, the right-sided Sam Bartram (same name as Royals’ 9, or was someone winding me up?) sliced a poor cross behind the goal-frame. The visitors still hadn’t settled and they were soon 2-0 behind when again an attack formed left of centre, as Ash Foster moved forward onto Gregory's pass and lifted a fine right-foot finish over the again stranded Styring and high into the right corner of the net from 17 yards. A fine finish and the hosts were well on top.

Foster, right, seems pleased with his goal...

A long Glapwell Bartram shot was very wayward and Jordan Hall then made a couple of substitutions, then tactically instructed his players to use their voices for calling, supporting and aiding each other; his words meant: “Are we going to talk? Please open your mouths…” He actually said: “Are you going to f…..’ talk? Open your bas…. gobs…” I preferred the second interpretation. Made me laugh. We discussed it at half-time… Ash Foster ran at a Glapwell defender and Styring, who were too slow in sorting out their defence and the Royal forward charged the ball down twice, eventually reaping no reward as it rolled out for a throw to the visitors. Suddenly, completely out of character thus far, Glapwell attacked on their left, following loose passing in the Royals’ midfield, where skipper Danny Martin was being allowed no time on the ball and Sean Carter made a brilliant run, beating two defenders and finding himself faced by the rather forbidding form of the advancing Warner; Carter chose not to shoot however but passed right for Trigg, who was slow to pull the trigger and fired almost lazily at goal, where midfielder Shaun Roberts had perched himself, like a crow on a telephone wire, from whence he cleared the ball away.

Bartram and his marker swing an elbow or two...

Formation turning by Glapwell...

Royal Bartram latched onto a diagonal pass at inside-left and set off for goal with the Glapwell coaches screaming for offside, in vain, but after rounding the advancing Styring, Bartram was too wide and his angled shot from the byeline was fenced away like a wasp from a window by the ‘keeper’s right forearm. The young referee then bravely jogged across to the Glapwell coaches and told them to refrain from giving the slim linesman verbal stick or they would be dismissed to sit in their cars! I liked that- playing at Rolls Royce and being threatened with banishment to a car… Bizarre. A low, not well struck left-wing corner by Ash Foster for Mickleover somehow found its way across a startled 6 yard box but Buxton lifted his shot too high. Ryan Booker, who proved to be a real character, had replaced Gavin Wiley, brother of another Mickleover Sports player, who had taken a knock to the head and needed to sort out his hair; Ash Foster threatened in the inside-right channel but sliced a shot badly wide of the right angle of vertical and horizontal, then Booker defended the speeding Marshall superbly, they fell together like a pair of scrapping cats and the referee was forced to point a stern finger at both, which I’m sure the humorous Booker was tempted to bite. Finally, as the half petered out, Royal Simpson was adjudged to have handled the ball but Jason Foster’s 25 yard free-kick rose, and rose. It kept rising. He would use that skill brilliantly later in the game...

The players audition for Swan Lake at the Royal Ballet...

The interval arrived, I managed a couple of left-wing centres for the replacements, Jordan Hall was good to chat to, the sun shone and home defender Robson Grey thanked me for looking after his water-bottle; a veritable Jeeves to his Bertie Wooster, that’s me…

Roberts had been replaced by Paul Moran for the Royals at the break, and immediately after the restart, a volleyed centre from the left by Marshall fell onto the lively Josh Gregory’s boot for a far post volley but a fine block by the effective Carter stopped the shot. Wiley replaced the hurt Jake Wharton for the guests, as midfielder Callum Dovison began to affect the game a lot more for Glapwell. Excellent interplay between Ash Foster, tricking his way to the left byeline, and Grey, who repeated the dose, saw the full-back cross well but the ball drifted beyond Gregory and then Booker made a gargantuan run along the right flank for Glapwell, received the expected long pass from the now more influential Wiley and won a right-wing corner, which forward substitute Ash Barber flicked in at the near post, as Jason Foster’s flag-kick fell onto the inside of his right boot. Warner was unsighted by the presence of the diminutive Adam Barrett directly in front of him and he was unable to stop the shot.

2-1 and Barber celebrates his goal by offering to shave Booker's chin growth...

Booker slotted in at central defence then and he had such a great, committed attitude, constantly moaning about the lack of ball retention, etc, which the coaches simply nodded at and no doubt ignored! Grey threatened for the Royals, Ash Foster messed up a 25 yard free-kick attempt, which rolled and bobbled wide of the left upright as if a badger was shoving it, then several substitutions took place for Mickleover and the game changed dramatically. Davy Hamson fed Marshall for a shot, which was blocked by the Glapwell defence at the expense of a corner on the left but replacement forward Steve O’Connell planted his subsequent header well wide from a good position. O’Connell did release Marshall for a one-on-one with Styring at inside-left but the winger’s hurry saw him lift a finish almost vertically, which was as inaccurate as it would prove costly. Marshall grimaced at me as I described the miss on my dictaphone, and he knew…

I was always told to keep my eyes on the ball.
How things have changed...

A rare shot by Glapwell, who, in fairness, were taking more control, ended with Barratt’s effort being deflected for new ‘keeper Spencer to gather, Dovison became even more of a feature and Booker was slogging it out in the visitors’ defence with relish. He set off on another astonishing run, to some effect but was so shattered by it that he was replaced again! And then the rot set in for the Royals; substitute Ash Day (15) received a short pass at left-back from Simpson, who had done well to win the ball in the centre-circle but Day pushed his own pass straight to Jason Foster and the midfielder looked up, moved 2 yards and clipped a high shot at goal, for Spencer was some way off his goal-line. The ‘keeper did have the sun in his eyes to be fair but his attempts to turn and get back reminded me of the antics of Frank Spencer and the ball dropped over him into the net: 2-2…

"Foster from the half-way line..." sang his team-mates...
2-2.

Frequent substitutions kept Glapwell fresh but the Royals wanted their replacements to get uninterrupted time on the pitch, which proved crucial as Spencer advanced to the left edge of his penalty-box, with Day, Simpson and Buxton all present to clear up but somehow the ball squirmed past the ‘keeper and there was the shocked Trigg, alone, at walking pace and nudging the ball goalwards like a contestant in the old Jeux Sans Frontieres programmes on BBC1, then from a slight angle, embarrassed no doubt, the striker poked the ball home. Oh, dear.

The embarrassed Twigg walks past the Mickleover Hands-On-Hips Royals...
2-3...

Troy Black, I think, played a one-two with Hamson but shot badly wide, then Glapwell conceded possession and the ball was switched to the Royals’ right and to Black, whose centre landed directly onto O’Connell’s head but his attempt at goal lobbed upwards and away over the crossbar as if a game of head tennis had begun on Copacabana Beach. Day soon controlled a pass with his shoulder/upper arm and the official awarded a wasted free-kick to Glapwell, which was delayed because Day was still chuntering and infuriated and a forced substitution was made at the request of the dogmatic referee, allowing for the introduction of Josh Bowler at left-back for Mickleover, where Chris Martin was being sorely missed. Spencer later contrived to tread on the ball as he prepared to clear from his 18 yard line and nearly fell like a tightrope walker at an American Circus and finally O’Connell procrastinated as he looked to fire an equaliser and a fine challenge by the massive Miller saved Glapwell.

Ash's Day is over... (Geddit?)

The game ended, Royals’ manager Gary Hamson realised it was the first time I had seen a team of his lose but there was enough on display from both outfits to suggest reasonable seasons ahead. Certainly Jason Foster, Carter, Dovison, Booker and Robley all worked and performed fairly well for the visitors and Wiley improved hugely, but the quick movement of Ash Foster, Marshall and the full-backs for the Royals was impressive before the break. The home defence looked fine in the opening half too and striker Bartram will surely score goals for his team. Marshall and Davy Hamson will be problematic for defences too and Gregory seems to have a good deal to offer. Danny Martin will no doubt have many more effective matches.

I drove home for eggs and chips and to go to bed later feeling relaxed, after enduring two more episodes of season 3 of The Wire, which were actually far more lighthearted than the BBC news...