MALMESBURY VICTORIA 1-1 MELKSHAM TOWN RESERVES: match report by THE MOWDOG...

Glad Griffin Grabs Grateful Goal…

Malmesbury Victoria 1-1 Melksham Town Reserves

Beneath the imposing Malmesbury Abbey and behind the Co-op supermarket, the Vics, blinking from the slumber of no matches since before Christmas, began slowly against a more innovative Melksham team, which also benefited from a considerable wind during the opening half. Fortunately for the Vics, their defence, in which Paul Baines was outstanding for long periods, remained as solid as the stone on King Aethelstan’s tomb and the guests failed to add to a single early headed goal by their skipper, Adam Young. After the interval, Vics, backs to the elements, began to assert themselves more and despite a miss by chatty Town striker Emilio Menghini, the hosts missed several times too, before veteran striker Alan Griffin, who obviously knows ex-Argyle striker Lee Phillips at Chippenham Town, whose career I have followed for years, rose for a free-kick, shoved his marker and lobbed a headed equaliser late on. A draw was probably the right result in the end but home striker Ed Wilkins will be relieved that he lasted the ninety minutes, after punching the ball goalwards following a Griffin header, for he had already been cautioned… 

The coin is tossed...

The referee stalked, strutted and sulked about the pitch like Eric Bloodaxe, the Viking King of York, despite being in a Saxon stronghold. He bellowed at players all the time and invented his own catchphrase: “GO AWAY, GO AWAY, GO AWAY…” His assistants were called Hailstone and Small, surely a firm of funeral directors? Mr Bloodaxe was sturdy, let’s say, stopped the flow regularly to impose his authority, or when a player yelled that he’d been fouled, or when he felt like displaying a card of yellow hue… In the end, the spectators were shouting: “Go away, go away, go away…” too, which confirms the story… The game began not with a player clapping and shouting “Cum on then lads, eh…” like they do at Lye Town, but with a player’s Wiltshire accent encouraging: “Come on then fellas, eh…” Music to the ears… 

An early break by Town saw striker Menghini reach the byeline on the left and manage to slip a pass inside to partner Jamie Broom who swept in a low shot from only 6 yards but home ‘keeper Josh Langley was alert enough to dive low and knock the ball away really well. Right-back Kai Miller ground out a pass for the impish Menghini to free Broom at inside-right but the forward was flagged offside by one of the funeral directors, which relieved him, for he had pulled his shot wide of the far post anyway. Oddly, Menghini, after a promising start, faded and rarely threatened, but talked constantly, leaving me reckoning that surely he would make a decent coach when he stops playing. Vics were poor at this juncture and their long-ball game into the wind was easy to deal with for visiting defenders Ethan Cox and Adam Young, who found moving onto the high balls far easier than the buffeted Griffin could manage in the home attack. A long Tom Jones effort for the visitors rose above the green, green grass of home and drifted way off target, although the official awarded a corner. Visiting skipper and all-round scurrying midfielder James Worsley had slid into a dangerous challenge during the build up to the shot by the Welsh singer but as happened all through the game, Mr Bloodaxe seemed oblivious to any tackles which bordered on the pillaging by the bearded Worsley. Good to see… 

Griffin leans into the ball...

Wilkins tries not to punch the ball...

Broom got a handle on the ensuing corner but it flew over Langley’s outstretched arm and to safety on the left flank, before Wilkins was warned by Mr Bloodaxe, as was visiting defender Miller, who had become entangled in a verbal spat. Griffin made his first mark on the game, also on an opponent, resulting in a caution and the punishment was felt even more by his colleagues, when Town scored from the ensuing free-kick by Broom from the right-wing. Young rose to glance a header into the far corner of the net, as he out-jumped Baines and the ‘Rezzies’ deservedly led 0-1. 

The Viking Eric Bloodaxe shows how he can make the shape of a Griffin's head with just one hand...

"You are banished, Saxon. Go forth..."

Goal! 0-1 and Young has scored...

Wilkins was then cautioned but Mr Bloodaxe had procrastinated (no change there) resulting in his gruff, galling, grunts of “GIVE ME A CHANCE, GIVE ME A CHANCE…” Then, “GO AWAY, GO AWAY, GO AWAY…” And the spectators joined in with that chorus. The lurking Ben Spong then sniffed out a chance but was unable to reach a low centre from the Town left, before finally, Vics looked offensive, as well as offended and won a corner, through the efforts of Griffin and right-back Krystian Hext. The quick-footed Vics wide player Sam Jenner took the flag-kick and Wilkins powered in a fine 8 yard header, which Melksham goalie Tom Drewitt leaned left to beat away. A bad foul by Broom, who went into a rash challenge like he was taking out a Chicago Blackhawk in an ice hockey play-off game, resulted in a caution but also an incredibly long whistle-blow by Mr Bloodaxe, which concerned those watching, for surely this would nullify his “GO AWAY, GO AWAY, GO AWAY…” routine? It didn’t. Tom Jones fired a wasteful shot so wide that even Delilah would have been irritated, then Jenner ran well on the Vics’ right but Drewitt clutched the near post centre as Griffin prepared to swoop.

Is there a Badger in shot?

A Melksham substitute wears a flag inside his shorts.
Odd, that...

A Wilkins 20 yard drive was blocked by the solid Town defence, then home midfielder Alan Webb was gang-tackled and the impressive tall Melksham midfielder Jordan Evans fed Tom Jones again, but with Broom and Spong waiting in the middle, the winger smashed a wild shot off target. “It’s not unusual…” muttered Broom. Maybe. A low Jenner centre was cleared by the guests, Broom, turning, drove way off target for Town and two crosses from the left by Vics came to nought, as the hosts at least managed a little offensive play. Wilkins and Griffin combined neatly to set up Jenner on the right but the forward’s touch let him down, as strong defending by Young saved Melksham. The half ended with a fine tackle by Baines to prevent the physically quiet but orally loud Menghini from capitalising upon a long ball by the Town defence.

A modern Flying Monk prepares to pole-vault the hedge.
Or maybe he's lost a ball.

Half-time saw a drop in the temperature. I wondered whether the fields I could see to my left were the ones the two escaping Tamworth pigs had marauded through, en route to thrashing across the River Avon to spend a week’s holiday in an orchard in 1998. I had seen the stained glass representation of St Adhelm earlier in the Abbey and I pondered on the fact that his organ was “… a mighty instrument with innumerable tones, blown with bellows…” However, Mr Bloodaxe emerged to begin the second period, my mind shook off the vagaries of Adhelm’s organ and I found that Town’s Broom had been replaced by Ash Caws, which was a fine name to have in Malmesbury, as the club’s badge displays a jackdaw…

A jackdaw leaves the Abbey.
Or could that be Eilmer?

Caws, of course, was soon in the action, as one of the funeral directors missed the offside replacement and play carried on but home left-back Dan Cook had a fine tackle prepared on his menu to rescue his team. Wilkins did well on the left for the hosts but his centre was chested down by Miller to his goalkeeper, with no Vic about to cause any threat at all, so the home players hopefully yelled: “Hand-ball!” Mr Bloodaxe stared, swallowed and stomped away. An interesting incident followed that and Mr Bloodaxe’s handling of it was so bizarre that all twenty-two players, coaches, hangers-on and spectators were both amused and abusive in equal measures at different moments in the fracas which resulted from a Vics attack. Jenner’s right-side delivery was headed back across goal by Griffin, Wilkins rose near the right upright and punched the ball goalwards with a tight right fist, like he was starring for RK Metalurg Skopje, the Macedonian  handball team. The ball was bundled into the Town net and it seemed that Mr Bloodaxe had no idea what to award, so he went to speak to one of his funeral directors. At first, a goal seemed to have been awarded and the hosts sniggered, sneaked back to the half-way line and Melksham’s melt-down was palpable, as they screamed at the officials. Finally, Drewitt took a goal-kick but nobody had told Malmesbury, who suddenly felt as aggrieved as the now sniggering, sneaking-forward-to-the-half-way-line Town players had once been. And in truth, probably due to the total confusion and chaos, Wilkins escaped a second yellow card from the Viking leader.

Vics think, maybe hope they've scored...

...and Wilkins escapes a second booking...

A deep free-kick from the Vics’ left was again won in the air at the far stick by Griffin, whose lion-hearted, eagle-winged jumps were causing a few problems for the visitors and this time Hext fastened onto the downward header but Drewitt fell fast onto the loose ball and drew it in… A smart turn by Griffin led to a 25 yard drive 5 yards wide of the right post, then Josh Robinson replaced Tom Jones, whose mama might well have told him not to come and soon, a Jenner corner was again won in the air by Griffin, at the near post but central defender Brown could only nod an inviting opportunity over the crossbar from a couple of yards out. Menghini, who had talked much but achieved little since his earlier promise, finally had a chance to seal the game from 15 yards but Langley managed to slow the shot down and then react superbly to grab the loose ball in front of his goal-line. Home midfielder Jake Fortune lacked the luck he needed, when a speculative effort from 25 yards entered into a crazy trajectory, leaving Drewitt to pat the missile down like it was a badly behaving rugby ball. 

Ridout tries to head on...

Melksham appeared to be handling the pressure against the strong breeze and mounted a couple of attacks of their own, before Wilkins cleverly turned on the ball for the hosts and lifted a shoe to flick the ball over a challenging defender, which was successful but before he could make a run at goal, Mr Bloodaxe gave a free-kick against him for a foot-up offence. Good job he hadn’t attempted an overhead-kick then… A badly sliced shot by the bright Spong was followed by his replacement by the solid Nick Ridout (surely not the famed writer of English Textbooks?) and then Ian Dowell, the adventurous Town right-back, slid into an opponent and was a little harshly booked by the scowling Mr Bloodaxe, especially as the admirable Worsley had escaped the Viking’s wrath on several occasions… A long free-kick from the right by Brown found the head of Griffin again and his nod offered Jenner a fine equalising chance but somehow the wide player headed the ball past the left post from close range.

Eric Bloodaxe appears to be sawing off the head of a Melksham player.
Oooooh, the pillaging has begun...

Melksham did not heed the warning of Griffin’s heading prowess, however and soon, late in the game, Brown’s next long and deep free-kick saw the striker leap, push Young out of his way (how good to see some REAL physical stuff, rather than girlie shirt-tugging and Norman Wisdom collapsing…) and loop a fine header back across goal into the far corner of the net.

1-1 now and Griffin has, er, swooped...

A Melksham attack saw Young defied by the alert Langley, whose punt upfield was moved on by Griffin to Wilkins but the striker, after turning sharply, volleyed the ball into the upper reaches of a tree behind the goal, like he was punting for the Baltimore Ravens. I half-expected to see Eilmer the Flying Monk swooping down from the Abbey walls to scoop up the ball but it wasn’t to be. It only remained for visiting defender Cox to receive a caution for a challenge, which again seemed mean of Mr Bloodaxe but then again, there was nobody to actually pillage during this raid on Malmesbury, so the booking would have to do.

Menghini stops talking for a moment...

Eilmer the Flying Monk...

Wilkins and Griffin, often too close during the torrid first-half for Vics had begun to forge more of an understanding by the finish but the home midfield struggled to create much throughout. Jenner was often lively but Will Picter on the left flank received precious little fodder to work on. Baines was really effective at the back though and was probably the Vics’ star performer. For the guests, the full-backs were keen, the form of Evans was often good and the movement of Broom, shame he didn’t stay, was usually bright. Worsley, the skipper was at the heart of much of the decent stuff produced by the visitors but in all fairness, the wind and the pudding of a pitch put paid to much in the way of invention. It was also interesting to note the net hanging on the riverside rail and I wondered whether unused home substitute Duckers has been known to end up in the Avon and needing fishing out… 

If only Eilmer had possessed the wings of a Griffin in those early Benedictine days: how famous he would be today…

The game ended in parity and I hurried back to the Midlands for a meal at Cafe Saffron in Knowle, which was good. Very good.   

You see, it’s what I do…