BOLDMERE ST MICHAELS 0-5 LYE TOWN: light-hearted match report by THE MOWDOG...

Mikes Marooned In the Mire By Fleshy Flyers

Boldmere St Michaels 0-5 Lye Town

The throwing away of money ceremony...

The compacted mud and sanded areas of the Boldmere pitch, which drops from one corner to the diagonally opposite one, provided just the kind of surface the visiting Flyers relished. Making turning awkward for defenders, Ricky Anslow, in attack for Lye, was able to use his pace and nuisance to plunder four goals, with the deep lying and influential James Spray also causing all sorts of problems for the Mikes. The combative midfielders Scott ‘I really like badgers’ Gennard, all evil stares and bellows, like Bernard Cornwell’s famous character ‘Sharpe’ from the books and TV series, alongside the demanding, harrowing physical strength and leadership of skipper Ben Jevons, gave little away and despite the best efforts of home playmaker Andrew Lewis and skipper Keenan Meakin-Richards, Lye won out in that department. Despite conceding five goals, home ‘keeper Dan Mikrut made two fine saves, Lye replacement Craig Gregg struck the crossbar too and in truth, the Mikes made little headway offensively. Visiting defender Damien Whitcombe, reminding me a little of an angry Matthew Corbett, who had lost his Sooty, wound up home strikers Roland Agbor and Kieron Clarke so much that their minds seemed constantly on Whitcombe’s antics rather than making a real stamp on the proceedings. 0-5 wasn’t really harsh on Mikes, who were poor for much of the game.

...and we're off...

The match started with Lye in the ascendancy and Spray fed Anslow to cut inside and shoot but the effort slapped onto a roof and disturbed a couple of Black-Headed Gulls. Chris Russell, often elusive on the Lye flanks then raced forward on the left, released a ball into the middle and as Mikrut advanced, Anslow beat him to it and set himself to shoot at the empty goal from 8 yards but the effort only just made it into the goal as a defender grabbed at the ball at the left upright, looking like he was trying to avoid being caught in a Brixham mackerel net.

The ref wanted a cuddle too, I guess...

Mills clears, like in a photo of one of those 1950s defenders in a Charles Buchan magazine...

Whitcombe did well to head clear a decent centre by Mikes’ Kieren Westwood, as Boldmere began to get more involved in the game and Clarke showed more, although Agbor was finding the going tough through the middle. An incredible incident then occurred: home ‘keeper Mikrut advanced outside his penalty-box but the ball bounced up and struck his hand, thus preventing Lye from benefiting; the referee rightly awarded a free-kick for Lye but not only was Mikrut not dismissed, he was neither yellow-carded, nor, remarkably, even spoken to. Mikrut dived to his right and beat Whitcombe’s smart free-kick away for a corner however, which was a good save. Gennard's corner was cleared for another and this was fed low to the 18 yard line towards Whitcombe, who had made a smart and typical run but he appeared to be fouled, so the official awarded Boldmere a free-kick. Hmm… Another strong move by the visitors ended with a lashed drive by Spray, which Mikrut bent backwards to turn over the crossbar in fine style.

The flag-kick was messed up by Lye and the hosts broke, only for Stevens and a defender to collide on the 18 yard line, but the guests survived. Simon Williams, who performed very busily in midfield for Lye, made an untidy foul but Meakin-Richards’ 25 yard free-kick smacked into Lye’s wall. Lye also cleared home left-back Adam Robinson’s centre, before a long ball by Lye left-back Matt Johnson was badly misjudged, I think by the head of home defender Jack Hulin and Anslow, lurking like a fox near a chicken coop, simply flicked out an instep and sent the ball lobbing over the stranded Mikrut and it bounced apologetically into the Boldmere net. Not expecting that kind of thing to happen, I failed even to switch the video camera on. Sorry, Mr Anslow, Sir…

0-2 and Anslow again...

Spray had a shot blocked, Jevons was fouled, then Clarke, by this time, totally harassed by the attentions of Whitcombe, was cautioned for a bad foul on Dan Jones, who had slipped past the striker easily. Whitcombe hadn’t pleased Roland Agbor either and the proceedings erupted into a mouthing match: Brummies v the Black Country Boys, or the Sloggers v the Peaky Blinders… Agbor wouldn’t shake Whitcombe’s hand, but that was probably because he’d had it up Sooty’s bum before the game anyway, then Anslow was caught offside and angry men said angry things to other angry men, angrily. Agbor did slip a pass for Clarke inside the penalty-box and it looked like the Mikes would score but Stevens raced from goal to block the shot with a foot and then Westwood, with a better chance, volleyed the rebound wastefully over the right angle of bar and post from 15 yards. 

Whitcombe flies like a lead balloon...

Whitcombe stays out of the trouble, just for once...

Anslow appeared to be tugged back by uncompromising home defender Dom Perkins, who probably didn't enjoy his afternoon much, then Clarke took revenge on Whitcombe, barging him in the back, which eventually led to the defender being replaced by Brad Smith, who performed well enough alongside the imperious and totally unruffled Sam Mills. Clarke was censured and told to calm down by team-mate Lewis, Westwood fired a weak shot for Stevens to pick up like a yogurt from a bottom Tesco shelf and it was Lye who threatened twice more before the half was concluded by the referee, who reminded me of a clerk in a tax office. Whitcombe was busy repairing his puppets in the dugout and limped about a lot. First, a fine volleyed centre by Anslow was sliced only just over his own crossbar by Nick Heath and then a fine breaking pass by Lye’s Williams freed Anslow on the left and surely he would go for his hat-trick goal? No, he hesitated and fed the ball back to the presence that is Spray, whose 20 yard shot was deflected but Russell had erred offside to end the sortie. The interval reached, my hands were really cold but I have to admit that Alan Parsons once again had greeted me generously at Boldmere and I must thank him for the pre-match cuppa and Custard Creams…

Whitcombe takes a bite out of the physio's head...

Is Jake the Peg in there somewhere?

Spray fools the opposition by wearing a ball instead of his usual head...

Incredibly, on the first venture forth by the Flyers after the break, Spray nudged the ball right to Anslow, at the right corner of the 18 yard box and he lobbed another outrageous 16 yard effort over the advanced Mikrut’s head, the ball bouncing off the surface and into the very top corner of the net. I caught that one on video, so, Mr Anslow, you can stop the moaning…  

0-3 by Lobber Anslow...

The goal would have looked even better had his shin-guards been straight...

Jevons, who towered in midfield on occasions, was cautioned for a rash challenge on Clarke and the striker then fed a good pass into the right side of the penalty-area, where Agbor’s turn and speedy run against Johnson allowed him an angled cross-shot but the ball not only beat the sliding boots of Westwood at the far post, it rolled wide too. Williams was hacked to the ground by Robinson, who was cautioned, although he pleaded innocence in true Slogger style and from the resulting free-kick, Mikrut erred, spilling the ball at Jevons’ feet in a goalmouth kerfuffle; Jevons stretched to feed the unmarked Russell just 6 yards out but the lively wide-man’s weak effort was hacked from the goal-line by the incensed Robinson. Jermaine Clarke replaced Nick Heath for the hosts, a low shot by the Mikes probably nudged against the outside of a post, before hard-working Boldmere midfielder Jason Holmes lifted an angled shot from the right well over the crossbar.

Jevons takes the rap...

Lye, still a danger on the break, saw Anslow threaten then Williams, who had broken into the penalty-area, sprawled with Perkins behind him; the official awarded a penalty, although it was tough to see real contact from the sideline. Anyhow, Anslow shoved the resulting penalty to Mikrut’s left, but the goalie fell to his right. 0-4 and all to Anslow. Yes, I videoed that, Mr Anslow, so less of the yap…

0-4 and game effectively lost by Mikes...

Anslow takes the credit, again...

Jamie Haynes replaced Russell for Lye, a Boldmere corner led to a chance at the left post for Westwood but Williams smuggled the ball behind, with the Mikes’ winger screaming in vain for a penalty, then Anslow broke from his own half and was crudely taken down by Lewis, who had generally done well for his team but he was cautioned anyway and more trouble brewed in a cacophony of Brummie and Black Country accents. It was like watching a vociferous family feud in ‘Crossroads’ from way back… Craig Gregg replaced the hurt Anslow, before Haynes and Gregg combined to feed Spray, whose typically neat footwork and dribbling took him into a dangerous area but a final defender dispossessed him. Holmes fouled Williams, before a fine Lye move led to a spectacular volleyed shot by Gregg from the right corner of the 18 yard box, which lobbed over the ‘keeper but crashed off the crossbar. Boldmere’s desperation was leading to some rough stuff, which of course Gennard and Jevons relished but home defender Hulin was booked for a nasty challenge on Spray. A short Boldmere free-kick led to Agbor shooting from the left side of the penalty-area but Stevens saved comfortably then Lye extended their lead when Gregg fed the irrepressible Spray at inside-left, who turned inside his marking defender at 15 yards and hammered a fine shot into the top right corner of the net.

The Sloggers and the Peaky Blinders get at it...

A deft beard, Mr Anslow...

There is a remote possibility that James Spray is smiling, which is why he faces the other way, I guess...

It only remained for Stevens to sprawl and push a low Jermaine Clarke shot away for a corner and for the ensuing flag-kick to cause a pinball kerfuffle in the Lye 6-yard box, where Stevens beat at the ball like he was swinging a mallet to make a bell ring at the local circus and Smith nodded Jermaine Clarke’s header clear. The scoreline was a remarkable one, for Lye surely couldn’t have expected such a definitive victory at Church Lane, which reminds me: St Michael is accepted as the Protector of Cornwall and he must have been blessing AFC St Austell, for they won against Stanway Rovers in the FA Vase 5th Round to qualify as the only Step 6 team through to the last eight on the day. Praise for Sam Mills of Lye is due though, for he kept a calm head throughout and plaudits too must go to the teamwork of the visitors, with Spray deserving of his goal. Boldmere must surely have better days and with Agbor in attack, any defence should be tested. I disappeared to meet my son and one of my daughters for a fine meal at Cafe Saffron in Knowle and try to warm up those frozen hands.

It’s what I do…   

Teams:

Boldmere St Michaels:  Dan Mikrut, Nick Heath, Adam Robinson; Dom Perkins, Jack Hulin, Jason Holmes; Keenan Meakin-Richards (Capt), Andrew Lewis, Kieron Clarke, Roland Agbor, Kieren Westwood.

Subs: Alex Forde, Cameron Jones, Connor Leek, Jermaine Clarke, ? Bennett???

Lye Town:  Damien Stevens, Dan Jones, Matt Johnson; Damien Whitcombe, Sam Mills, Simon Williams; Chris Russell, Scott Gennard, James Spray, Ricky Anslow, Ben Jevons (Capt).

Subs: Reece Shilvock, Tom Overfield, Jamie Haynes, Brad Smith, Craig Gregg.