SHENSTONE PATHFINDER 0-0 BROMYARD SMITHS, er, TOWN: light-hearted match report by THE MOWDOG...

‘Shoplifters of the World Unite’: Bromyard Pick Up The Silverware…

Shenstone Pathfinder 0-0 Bromyard Town

Bromyard, to my surprise, hadn’t received their West Midlands League One Championship trophy already, so it was good to watch and film them enjoying their post-match celebrations at welcoming Shenstone. If Town can filch the Worcester Raiders’ skipper in the close-season and add him to their ranks, surely they will legitimately be able to call themselves the Bromyard Smiths, which made me think of Morrissey and his band. The reader’s challenge therefore is to spot any ‘indie outsiders’ Smiths’ song titles in the report below. MY challenge, however was to translate the writing on the official team sheets, a task more daunting than attempting the Times Crossword (which I don’t) and so I apologise now for any errors in players’ identities, even though the surname Smith appears regularly of course… No goals at Shenstone then but a few silly moments and eventually, a few decent saves by all three goalies who took part on a bumpy pitch in windy conditions. The Champions didn’t really use the following breeze to shoot enough during a messy first-half and in truth, Pathfinder ought to have snatched victory after the interval. The game was duly endured however and Mrs Juggins gave the league trophy to Town goalie mark one, Dean Smith, who gave her in return, er, a kiss… Did she Ask? This Charming Man, he went Hand In Glove… I had also chatted pre-game, to Shenstone’s John Branch, an acquaintance of my near-relative Steve Burr, the Chester manager; small world… 

Lying in wait...

The match began with more melodrama than in a dozen Eastenders episodes, with the harassed referee having to sort out silly spats between opposing players. Strange ways, Here We Come, I thought. Rich Smith, the tall, excitable Town striker, The Boy With The Thorn In His Side,  and ferocious, yet creative home skipper Steve Mercer became involved in the first of two lengthy delays, following a simple award of a throw-in and although the official refused to caution anyone, he was eager to lecture, like Nigel Farage in front of a hostile crowd at a Tory safe-seat meeting. A long Bromyard punt forward, wind-aided, led to a header by home defender Matt Roskell and a wasteful volley by the irritated Rich Smith but play was untidy from the outset and passing was at a real premium. A Chris Webb free-kick was nodded on by lean, towering home forward Josh Haston towards left-winger Dan Ware, aware at the left post but a good tackle by Town’s James Holloway saved the day for the visitors. The corner, however, caused mayhem, for huge Bromyard ‘keeper and skipper Dean Smith attempted to punch the neck-high flag-kick clear but completely missed the ball, like an England opening batsman might, against an Australian pace attack. The ball simply bounced past the far post, with a host of Pathfinders wondering why they were rooted to the spot. It looked hilarious, so perhaps this had been an audacious dummy by the goalkeeper. What Difference Does It Make?

Players and ball take off in the breeze...

Rich Smith (10) seems rather agitated...

The ref explains that giving his balls a scratch is ungentlemanly conduct...

When the solid, heavily involved visiting midfielder Paul Smith (confused by the three Smiths yet?) raised a boot in a challenge, fracas number two flashed, for Meat Is Murder and the scene was like a circus-ring full of protesting clowns, but calm was restored, no yellow cards were shown and Bromyard soon went on the offensive, with Aston Gunter working the right flank. The second delivery was superbly headed behind for a corner by the diving home defender Matt Jones and from the flag-kick, Rich Smith headed upwards and well over the goal-frame from Luke Molloy’s near post centre. Town’s Dale Goddard, a strong left-back, picked up a loose ball and fired a decent long shot, which flew wide of the right upright, before Rich Smith nodded on a Paul Smith free-kick, only for home goalie John Miller to fumble the ball needlessly over the byeline for a corner, which came to nought. 

Note the unique little terrace in the background...

Webb fouled Darren Critcher some 22 yards from the home goal, inside-right channel but centre-half Josh Weatherby’s shot was as easy for Miller to pick up as a freshly ground sack of flour, after the ball had scraped the heads of the wall-people. Gunter, in space on the right, was unable to feed Rich Smith, before Miller came into his own, racing from goal to make a fine stop from vociferous visitor Jamie Insall, with a voice Louder Than Bombs, who had fired in a shot from inside-left, following a move involving Rich Smith again. Immediately, Ware caught his marker Bell unaware and cut in from the left but his rising, angled shot was easily fielded by the huge Dean Smith. A pedestrian and scruffy attack on the half-hour by Town ended with Molloy ballooning a shot too high, a good centre from the right by Pathfinder Haston was then headed to Dean Smith by Paul Gregory, I believe and then Gunter, totally off-balance, sliced a poor shot well wide of the home goal. Insall saw a shot blocked, after good work by Town’s Rich Smith and Gunter, before visiting defender Critcher did so well to glance a header away from a dangerous right-flank cross by Ware and in the closing moment of the half, Insall and Rich Smith were well involved again for the guests, only for the ball to strike a home defender’s heel and be cleared to safety.  

Running, effort, uneven pitch...
Love it.

Half-time and the wind was cold, “Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now…” I thought, although the expected rain-showers were still holding off. Shenstone now had the benefit of the wind behind them but it was Bromyard who threatened first, after home players Bell and the industrious Mercer had set up Haston for a shot straight to Dean Smith. Rich Smith (a better name than Poor Smith, I guess…) rolled a defender on the left flank and ran towards goal, only for his first shot, with the outside of his right boot, to be well saved by Miller, who then recovered to smother the striker’s left-booted rebound effort for a corner. Home midfielder Jones, who was quietly becoming more effective in this encounter, made a long run forward and was only denied by the excellent Critcher, who really enjoyed an effective second period. A good delivery from the decent boot of Ware saw Haston, tigerish, poke the ball away from the well advanced Dean Smith at 18 yards but the striker’s lifted touch had taken him away from goal and the ball ran out of play. Haston was becoming more of a nuisance for the visiting defence and suddenly, Paul Gregory became free for a run and shot but the effort was wayward.

An unceremonious, merciless barge in the back of home skipper Mercer by Town’s Insall, earned the still chuntering forward a caution, then from the recovered Mercer’s free-kick, the hosts managed two shots, through Haston but it was Ware who drove the third effort wide of the right angle of bar and post. Bromyard replaced limping defender Weatherby with Tom Hobbs and to rapturous applause, visiting goalie Dean Smith took a rest too, in readiness for lifting Mrs Juggins’ shield and Dan Stephens took over in goals, where he was instantly called upon to be dramatic. Dean knew when to leave the stage, all right… Bell’s free-kick from the left was deftly glanced goalwards at the near post by Gregory but Stephens reacted well and his solid frame flew like predatory vulture to turn the ball across goal and away for a right-side flag-kick. Haston leapt like a tiger on a trampoline to head the corner goalwards and Webb, in his number-less shirt rose to nod the ball on too, only for a flick of the right hand by Stephens, like he was swatting a particularly irritating fly, turned the effort onto the face of the crossbar.

No goals, so one of The Smiths juggles for a while...

After the previous attacks, hosts Mercer and the blank-shirted Webb were cautioned for speaking out of turn, before Ash Banner replaced Goddard for the guests and Chris Caddy, another number-less character, replaced Ware, surprisingly, for the hosts. After a quick break by the visitors, the ball was swept from the right byeline right onto Paul Smith’s boot, which performed more like a blacksmith’s anvil, as his miscue barely reached the left byeline. Bell defended at the near post so well for Shenstone, when Gunter and then Rich Smith threatened on the right byeline, creating Panic, but after the hosts defended a tricky corner and Stop Me If You’ve Heard This One Before, Caddy teed up (get it?) Haston for what might have been the winning goal, on the break, but the tall striker’s low drive from 20 yards was brilliantly turned away by the reflexive Stephens. Soon, Hobbs was cautioned for Town, then after Stephens had punched away a Shenstone corner, Andy Charlton replaced Kyle Staunton, Shenstone’s rangy, overlapping left-back, who had reminded me of a certain Steve Staunton on the rampage for Villa, with that enigmatic, international frown… It remained only for Gregory to be replaced by Pathfinder Adam Wall and the match ended, so that the medals and trophy could be awarded to Bromyard and the Juggins’s could go home for their tea. 

Bromyard are about to line up for their medals...

I had enjoyed the afternoon out, was kindly treated by Shenstone and was glad to oblige Bromyard’s request for photos. Haston, Jones and Mercer, as well as the home defenders, had done well enough for the hosts, with Ware always likely to threaten and midfielder Bell the workhorse. Bromyard had won the league in a canter, yet they struggled too often in this somewhat meaningless encounter, although Paul Smith, Critcher and Insall were all eager contestants. Indeed, even in the line, awaiting his medal, Jamie Insall was bellowing away merrily, illustrating The Smiths’ Bigmouth Strikes Again, perhaps? Matt Tyler and Gunter worked hard for little reward, however. The lines-person on my side was excellent, Shakespeare’s Sister perhaps, but worry not, William, It Was Really Nothing to write home about… Stephens and Miller made gymnastic saves for their teams and the third custodian, Dean Smith was a respectful recipient of applause, medal and trophy… He was a winner, but his future? Well, How Soon Is Now?

Sweet moment...

It’s what he does… (That Joke Isn’t Funny Anymore…)

I had decided on a Smiths theme for the report, but I Started Something I Couldn’t Finish, yet There Is A Light That Never Goes Out and that is non-league culture, like that at Shenstone. Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me and on what would have been my late mum’s 95th birthday, May 9th, I hope that she did… 

Somebody had to.