BROCTON FC 0-3 COVENTRY UNITED: light-hearted match report by THE MOWDOG...

Belligerent Badgers Beaten By Resolute Sky Reds…

Brocton FC 0-3 Coventry United

Coventry United were not visiting Eastwood Town’s Badgers, nor Retford United’s Badgers, not even the Badgers of Bugbrooke St Michaels, or Redditch’s The Badgers FC, but BROCTON’S Badgers. From the Somme-like trenches of Henley College, dug where the pitch markings should be, the visitors headed for Stafford’s Brocton, where oddly a timber-framed training camp was situated during the First World War. This became a P.O.W. camp for captured Germans in April 1917, fenced in by barbed wire, who worked as tailors, watchmakers, cobblers and hairdressers. The Monty Python team would ask: “What about the cheesemakers..?” I really don’t know much about them… Some of the 6,000 inmates worked on gardens and farms, even at nearby Shugborough Hall. There were two suicides, one captive died on a working party and although five prisoners escaped in 1918, they were recaptured. So, what of Coventry United on this auspicious, Staffordshire occasion? Well, as a glorious sunset can make an English summer evening beautifully crimson, and Coventry City are known as the ‘Sky Blues’, United will be referred to below as the ‘Sky Reds’. I like that.

Jean Dakouri explains to the referee what to do...

The Brocton officials kindly gave me the names and numbers of their players, the game took place on pitch two and although Gift Mussa, Martin Hutchcox, Ross Briscoe, skipper Chris Cox, Adam Bilic, Ben Tennant and both ‘keepers were unavailable, the Sky Reds still had enough about them to cause Brocton, also missing players, some real concern throughout a competitive match. Joe Connor eased himself out of retirement to keep goal for the visitors but in truth, despite two fine saves by the ‘keeper, central defenders Callum Burgess and Jamie Coleman looked in fine, commanding form, with left-back Ben Vallance again impressing. Josh O’Grady was often a threat, although Ned Kelly was kept mostly quiet by home defenders Matt Dockerty and Matt Skinner. Pierre Moudime was hurt when heading the ball and a jaw injury was feared, resulting in another good defensive appearance by talkative replacement Jayden Rickhuss but after the interval, late arrivals Muzzi Nduna and Nkosi Mzungwana added pace and trickery to the Sky Red offense, allowing Josh Blake, another replacement, to add a brace of goals to O’Grady’s near post opener. The Badgers were well served by forwards Paul McMahon and useful winger Josh Wilson, with midfielder Charlie Jones never shirking his responsibilities. Dave Ablewhite was busy in attack but the Sky Reds’ possession game, egged on by coach Patrick Suffo looked impressive at times, bringing some tough physical challenges by home players.

Coleman, 17, up for another tattoo?

Morris, 7, seems impressed...

An early off-target header by Wilson, then a cross by the winger, which was well cleared by Vallance, also a weak McMahon header downwards to the underworked Connor, were the only meagre threats forced by Brocton in the first-half, whilst O’Grady was Coventry’s sole danger at the opposite end, not only netting once, but also firing wide and then against the crossbar from 23 yards. After that striking of the goal-fame, Kelly hustled for the loose ball but in the second phase of attack, O’Grady’s centre flew too far. O’Grady’s next threat was after a low Kelly shot had been deflected for a left-side corner and the winger’s clever feet resulted in a low pass from the byeline, which Kelly couldn’t get to. Rob Prinzel was unable to react quickly enough to get in a shot from a short O’Grady free-kick and then saw another effort blocked from Vallance’s low delivery and a partial Badger clearance. 

O'Grady seems amused by Coleman's body position...
Or maybe the arm tattoos?

Brocton’s only other offense came from free-kicks, without success, although at the opposite end, Kiam Galdins was flagged offside, then a fine run by skipper Jean Dakouri led to a pass for Kelly, who hit the target from an angle on the right, only to be flagged offside also. Dakouri was certainly missing Gift Mussa’s presence, for they form a partnership like the similarly named fictional Western bandits, namely: Butch Dakouri and the Gift-dance Kid. Dakouri was scythed down a couple of times, proving that he can take that punishment as well as dish it out. Prinzel began slowly but improved as the game wore on, offering some strong support to his forwards and it was his clipped pass which Kelly chested down then slipped right for O’Grady to run onto, before reaching the byeline and scoring from a daft angle, off the duped goalie Calum Barrett’s torso. Barrett’s only other save before the break was to fall upon a weak Kelly effort.

Burgess has a problem with his knicker elastic, whilst Sarah Evans, the singer, puts Pierre Moudime to sleep with a rendition of "I Could Not Ask For More..." 

Pierre never smiles anyway, so a jaw injury could prevent a smile ever again...
Seriously though, I wish him, well...

O'Grady, right, has opened the scoring...

After the restart, O’Grady and Blake nearly connected with a smart one-two , before O’Grady’s downward header from Galdins’ centre was easily saved. Following a wrestling effort by Nduna, who fought off defenders, before lashing a drive into the side-netting, a refereeing error suddenly offered the hosts a period of ascendancy. The official, an elderly chap, though not as aged as Patrick Suffo, was let’s say, ‘vociferous’, constantly sarcastically bellowing at the players, like he was attempting and failing at a Bruce Forsyth impression doing ‘The Generation Game’. He awarded a throw to Brocton, which was clearly wrong, but immediately he yelled out: “If I’m wrong, I apologise…” What? The error offered the hosts some offense, Jones fed the ball over Rickhuss and McMahon lobbed a 10 yard effort just too high. Incensed, Dakouri badgered the referee, his colleagues lost composure slightly and after Jones’ volley flew way off target, Connor was forced to plunge left and turn aside for a corner a shot by substitute Charlie Sneddon. Dockerty flicked the resulting right-wing corner on, McMahon nodded a strong header goalwards but Connor leapt to tip the ball spectacularly over his goal-frame. Retired? Yeah, right…

A soft buttock for a Burgess knee...

Nduna then began to wreak havoc in the home defence, teeing up Vallance for a cross which Blake rose for but nodded too high, then Nduna raced into the left side of the penalty-box, dragged the ball across Barrett and there was the poaching, suntanned Blake to slide in and convert from a couple of yards. The Sky Reds had weathered the Badgers’ efforts and broken away to break the home resistance. Connor fielded a low shot by Dan Lomas, McMahon glanced a header from Sneddon’s right-flank centre well beyond the far upright, before Barrett punched the ball clear as Nduna challenged. Mzungwana then appeared, after arriving from work presumably and made an instant electrifying run at inside-left but his dangerous low cross was well cleared by Skinner, only for Sean Kavanagh’s rather good right-side centre, moments later, to be bundled into goal by Blake, as my camera malfunctioned and failed to register ‘Record’…

Mr Bronze, Josh Blake, left, has added a second goal...

...and a third...

Jamie Coleman asks, excitedly: "Good goal! You wanna see my tattoos, man?"

Wendell Moyo so nearly capitalised after blocking Barrett’s kick, resulting in the ‘keeper grabbing the ball on the goal-line, like someone was attempting to snatch his skateboard, then a breathtaking run by Mzungwana ended with a shot deflected past the right post. Two runs by Nduna ended with a drive wide and another palmed upwards and over the crossbar by Barrett but Dakouri couldn’t get any purchase on his header from Moyo’s smart right-side centre, as the Sky Reds ended the game well on top. 

Muzzi Nduna, right, auditioning for Kool and the Gang...

No use bending, Nkosi, we can still see you...

Well and truly culled, the Badgers shook hands with the Sky Reds, but quickly the referee thanked Dakouri cynically for his ‘help’ as the Coventry skipper’s gold tooth flashed in the July sunlight. Brian ‘He’s Not the Messiah’ Ndlovu congratulated O’Grady at the final whistle, parading on the pitch like an Armani model strutting a Paris catwalk and I went home for eggs and chips, because, after all, it’s what I do…

Josh O'Grady says: "Brian, you ARE The Messiah..."

Finally, we are 'treated' to a full upper body tattoo from Jamie Coleman...

SQUADS:

BROCTON BADGERS:

Calum Barrett, Callum Rudd, Matt Hardiman, Rob Tomlinson, Matt Dockerty, Matt Skinner, Dexter Morris, Charlie Jones, Paul McMahon, Dave Ablewhite, Josh Wilson, Dan Lomas, Tom Hudson, Charlie Sneddon, Andy Bourne. 

COVENTRY SKY REDS:

Joe Connor, Pierre Moudime, Ben Vallance, Callum Burgess, Jamie Coleman, Rob Prinzel, Jean Dakouri, Josh O’Grady, Hosein Khorrami, Ned Kelly, Kiam Galdins, Wendel Moyo, Josh Blake, Muzzi Nduna, Nkosi Mzungwana, Jayden Rickhuss, Sean Kavanagh.