Chelmsley Mugged By The Piltdown Men
Chelmsley Town 0-3 Racing Club Warwick
This was a very odd game in that none of the two teams’ main goalscorers were on show from the start. Chelmsley’s Jemuel Mills, with 6 goals, wasn’t a starter, not even a substitute and of Warwick’s top four scorers, Sean Kavanagh and Luke Church (with 10 and 8 respectively) were missing, as was Adam Knight (7 goals) whilst Luke Cole, also with 7 for the Racers was on the replacement bench. Indeed, RCW had made a number of changes, probably with Saturday’s FA Vase game against Wisbech in mind, replacing all of the defensive four from last Saturday’s victory at Stafford Town but also drafting in Josh Cole, Josh Blake and Joe Carter. Leading scorer and Jurassic carnivore Kavanaghsaurus Rex was no doubt away hunting for prey around Warwick Racecourse, using those small clutching front limbs to claw horse-meat into his voracious jaws. This information was passed to me by a team-mate but Martin Hutchcox will remain nameless…
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| AS THE TOSS IS MADE, THE TWO OLD FOSSILS STRETCH THEIR LIMBS... |
Chelmsley fielded a gargantuan player of their own, in Kieran Fitzgerald, a true beast with a fine touch on the ball, a deliverer of set-pieces and a guy I have watched regularly over recent years. He took five or six free-kicks from a similar inside-left channel during this encounter, around 25 to 30 yards from goal, showing just where RCW committed the majority of their fouls. Ah, fouls… A trip by Racer Paul Holland earned a caution in the early stages of this match, yet home skipper Rob Ellis crashed into an opponent wildly to earn, er, a wagging finger from the referee who was as inconsistent as Warwick’s midfielder Henry Leaver was very consistent in his footballing performance. During the second period, Racer Michael Ellis was rightly booked for an accumulation of fouls, yet home defender Lydon Weller got away with a very late challenge, as did replacement Kaine Williams, who must then have thought that old fossil Josh Blake was fair game late on as he crashed him over the touchline like a Triceratops launching a charge into an unsuspecting Iguanodon. No caution there either…
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| A HERD OF CHELMSLEYS... |
A deft early strike by Josh Cole was followed by some huff and puff by Town, then a couple of Josh O’Grady shots and a penalty goal for the guests, won by O’Grady. ‘Tricky’ slid like a Raptor under James Sawyer’s challenge, to the defender’s horror, his face that of a Stegosaurus whose tail spikes had been roughed up and the spot-kick was duly scored by Rich Powell. The busy hosts were thus stunned just before the interval arrived. The second period was messy, error-strewn and lacked any real pattern at all, especially after a smart Joe Carter strike put the Racers 0-3 ahead, leaving Town to chew on the conciliatory titbits left behind. It was like the carcass of a Parasaurolophus had been gorged and then abandoned by a group of Allosaurs, leaving the losers to feed on the leftovers. In truth though, Chelmsley were unable to cause visiting ‘keeper Tom Cross any more trouble than a couple of falls to collect simple shots and to watch as a couple of headers flew off target.
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| POWELL DEMONSTATES HIS FINE IMPRESSION OF A FLAMINGO... |
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| KICK-OFF... |
The Racers raced into action like the swift-seizing Velociraptors of pre-history, with Blake having a shot blocked by the combative Sawyer and then Josh Cole leaping like a lizard at an insect but failing to get a difficult header from O’Grady’s corner on target. Josh Cole and Leaver combined smartly to win another corner, with the latter taking it on the left flank and although the trajectory was quite low, a defender appeared to misjudge the ball at the near post and the lurking Josh Cole turned it sweetly into goal from a few yards out.
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| A LONELY BRACHIOSAURUS SEARCHES TO SATISFY HIS HERBIVORE TENDENCIES... |
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| 0-1: JOSH COLE... |
Lewis Hudson made a fine rush from left-back for the guests but when he reached the 18 yard line the referee blew for an infringement and awarded Town a free-kick for a trip, it appeared. A fine right-side cross by O’Grady was flicked on by a defender and struck another Chelmsley player, forcing goalie James Kelly into action, swooping left to grab the deflected ball like a Pterodactyl poaching a fish. Eventually though, or ‘dreckley’, as the Cornish say, meaning later rather than not at all, Chelmsley forced themselves back into the contest and much of the credit must go to Rob Ellis and his two forwards Fitzgerald and Jamie Barrett, whose work ethic was admirable. Hudson made a saving tackle for the Racers then a couple of corners were looped in by Fitzgerald, the second of which allowed Sawyer to shoot from 17 yards but a timely block by the excellent Warwick skipper Jamie Coleman deflected the effort for another flag-kick.
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| THE REFEREE REMEMBERS THAT HE HADN'T USED ANY DEODORANT THIS MORNING... |
Cross was cross when a cross (is that right?) saw him baulked by an attacker and lose the ball, like a Diplodocus losing a particularly juicy leaf from the upper reaches of a prehistoric tree, yet no free-kick was given. Fitzpatrick’s first inside-left channel free-kick was then taken and it was a delivery rather than a shot which bounced past the far upright, before the ‘number 10’ built like a concrete shed received a short pass from Barrett and fired a low 18 yard shot which led to a sprawl, a grasp and a grab by Cross. The initial repost by Chelmsley had been dealt with fairly comfortably, mainly due to Coleman’s control and Holland’s wholesome defending (yes, Holland marked Barrett: you couldn’t make that up, could you?) Coleman possesses an evil stare too, like that of a particularly angry lizard-hipped Spinosaurus but in fairness, he appears to be a fine character to have playing with you, rather than agin ye…
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| HOLLAND LOOKS AGHAST... |
Leaver’s left-side corner for the Racers was taken short to Hudson who fed O’Grady for an 18 yard first-timer which curled just past the right stick, with Kelly diving desperately. O’Grady then combined with Josh Cole to set up Blake but the Piltdown Man was beaten to the ball by the advancing Kelly, number 1… A warning was issued to Holland for a trip, O’Grady made a slick and tricky run but was blocked by the home defence and then Holland’s next trip earned him a yellow card. Having practised his inside-left free-kicking once, Fitzgerald was offered two more attempts and although Cross collected the first (a shot) comfortably, Sawyer rose to head the second onto the roof of the RCW net. Rob Ellis’ wild tackle went unpunished bar the concession of a free-kick which O’Grady curled only centimetres past the left upright from 25 yards, then the hosts attacked again but from a left-side corner, the Racers headed clear and Powell blocked a rebound well at the edge of his own penalty-box.
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| "IF YOU DON'T CAUTION ME, I'LL SEND YOU SOME AFTER-SHAVE FOR CHRISTMAS..." |
And then O’Grady did what O’Grady does: he cut inside from the right-wing, across a defender, in this case Sawyer, who challenged the tricky chap and thought he’d won the ball but O’Grady tumbled like a shoebill stork thrashing itself into an African pond after a lungfish and the official signalled a penalty. Powell stepped forward and left-footed the ball just to the right of Kelly, who had fallen to his left and just prior to the interval, the Racers were 0-2 ahead. A late Town corner and also a free-kick were defended by RCW and Hudson was responsible for the final clearance, as the half ended.
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| 0-2... |
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| ASSIST BY 7, GOAL BY 10... |
The interval saw the Town replacements warming up with gnashing teeth and sharpened claws, whilst the spare Racers were, er, standing chatting about pre-history, the art of the Pre-Raphaelites and the early 1960s music of the REAL Piltdown Men, whose tracks were entitled ‘Fossil Rock’, ‘Piltdown Rides Again’, ‘McDonald’s Cave’, ‘Big Lizzard’, ‘Bubbles In the Tar’, ‘Gargantua’, Flint Stomp’ and the unforgettable ‘Brontosaurus Stomp’, amongst others. Yeah, really…
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| LOOKING BEHIND THE 'GRANDSTAND' AT THE CLUBHOUSE... |
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| HALF 2 BEGINS... |
Holland sliced a Fitzgerald free-kick wide of his own goal at the start of period two and the rugged Matt Kent nodded the subsequent corner by the very same Fitzgerald off target beyond the left upright but following a dithering, unkempt and careless beginning to the half, the visitors suddenly moved forth and netted a third and decisive goal. O’Grady threatened on the right, Michael Ellis fed the ball inside to Leaver and his typically measured pass into the penalty-area was seized upon by Carter in a flash and he swiftly turned to lash a 10 yard left-booter low into the left side of the net.
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| KENT & POWELL... |
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| 0-3 & CARTER THE SCORER... |
O’Grady, fossilising on the right-flank through a lack of service, was replaced by Luke Cole whose expression was that of a rather displeased Pteranodon and when Josh Cole was knocked to the ground injured and sat distraught on the 4G carpet, Luke decided to pass to Josh, a kindly if unwise decision… Ryan Billington duly replaced the hurt Josh Cole, Michael Ellis received his deserved caution and Chelmsley added more chaos to the disjointed proceedings by replacing Fitzgerald and the lively Barrett with James Taylor (wasn’t he married to Carly Simon? Whatever, James, ‘You’ve Got A Friend’…) and the robust Williams.
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| LUKE COLE PASSES TO JOSH COLE'S ARSE... |
It really did appear that the Racers simply wanted to get a shower and return home by this point and Town did at least manage to regain some pride and muster some limited offense despite the continuing scrappy nature of the half. The influential Town midfielder Adam Keeley beat Holland in the air to glance a free-kick wide of the right stick and then after Blake nearly reached a clever through pass by Luke Cole, a low Williams shot trickled to Cross who fell upon it like his Christmas turkey was attempting an escape. Michael Ellis was replaced by Racer Jack Taylor, so the two number 14s were on the pitch together and actually both named J. Taylor. Chelmsley also introduced Joe Parke, I believe, although in the dim light, it was tough not only to spot his number but also that of the replaced player.
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| "SORRY MATE, I THOUGHT YOU WERE DUMMYING A DEFENDER..." |
As Warwick clenched their teeth, set their frowns and clawed their arms like clones of Kavanaghsaurus Rex in grim determination, they kept Town’s late flurries at bay. Weller and Williams dished out their two naughty fouls without recrimination, then after Coleman had dived to head away a Rob Ellis drive, Blake was derailed by Williams’ flying assault, James Taylor slid a good scoring chance left to right across the face of the RCW goal and finally, following some decent passing, Keeley summed up his team’s evening by slicing his left foot shot way off target as the game edged to a close.
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| "IN MY DREAM, KAVANAGH WAS THIS TALL BUT WITH GIGANTIC CLAWS..." |
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| BLAKE PLACES A HAND TOWARDS THE COLES... |
I liked Rob Ellis’ contribution for Town, as well as Keeley’s, although Fitzgerald was always willing alongside Barrett and Nick Ellis battled until the end. James Sawyer was an influential defender, supported well by Weller and the powerful Kent. Warwick were best served by Coleman and Holland in defence, plus the attacking Hudson, although Josh Cole settled in well in midfield and his astute passing and vision brought something different to his team. O’Grady was a rare threat, Powell was often quiet but Leaver was the thread which held his team together going forward…
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| SPECTATORS? BARELY ANY... |
So The Piltdown Men ride again, on to a clash with Wisbech United from the United Counties Premier Division in the FA Vase, minus the cup-tied Coleman and O’Grady but other players will return to the line-up, including Kavanagh, the Tyrannosaurus Rex lookalike and leading scorer for the Racers…
Me? I stomped away, Brontosaurus-like…
It’s what I do.
TEAMS:
CHELMSLEY TOWN:
JAMES KELLY, LIAM NORRIS, MATT KENT, JAMES SAWYER, LYDON WELLER, NICK ELLIS, ADAM KEELEY, ROB ELLIS (CAPT), JAMIE BARRETT, KIERAN FITZGERALD, SAM SADLER.
SUBS:
HARRY SWEENEY, JAMES TAYLOR, JOE PARKE, KAINE WILLIAMS, DAN EGEGE.
RACING CLUB WARWICK:
TOM CROSS, MICHAEL ELLIS, LEWIS HUDSON, PAUL HOLLAND, JAMIE COLEMAN (CAPT), JOSH COLE, JOSH O’GRADY, HENRY LEAVER, JOSH BLAKE, RICH POWELL, JOE CARTER.
SUBS:
RYAN BILLINGTON, JACK TAYLOR, MARTIN HUTCHCOX, LUKE COLE, MARTIN SLEVIN.
