WICKHAMFORD FC 3-0 GSH UNITED: THE INDEPENDENT, IRREVERENT MATCH REPORT...

 Wickermen Held Up By United Pair Vale & Averiss…

Wickhamford FC 3-0 GSH United

The threat of heavy rain showers hung over Wickhamford, like gloom, or a pandemic depression. I made my way to the shelter of a tree, just in case. With an umbrella, just in case. The two teams wrestled beneath an NHS rainbow for some of the time and although, bar a few droplets, the rain didn’t materialise, the sky made for some fine artistic images, camera-wise…

WE LIKES THIS...

Two GSH players stood out, as the weather gods threatened: ‘keeper Chris ‘The Plunging Gloveman’ Averiss and central defender Charlie ‘The Obstruction’ Vale, both of whom were excellent. Averiss experienced one of those evenings which remain in a goalie’s memory for a long time, for almost everything went his way. He made myriad saves, mostly one-on-one and Wickermen Joel Haycock, Nathan Tomkotowicz and Robbie Sone must be wondering still how they failed to score on the night.

THE REF IS READY. HMM...

By half-time, GSH ought to have been wallowing in an insurmountable deficit but incredibly they trailed only to a deflected James ‘Eric Bloodaxe’ Schembri finish from downtown and an impressive tap-in by James ‘Cochise’ White. White whooped and hollered through the game like an Apache leader in full flow, whilst Schembri’s frown was as scary as that of the Viking king of Northumbria, Eric Haraldsson, aka Eric Bloodaxe… 

Hence, United kept The Wick at bay, largely due to the defensive performance by Vale, who would hopefully never name his children Malvern, or Port. He was as immovable as the pigeons in my garden, which seem to think that my small bird feeders are set up for them. One remarkable goal-line clearance from Eric Bloodaxe left the Norseman’s frown as deep as a fjord. Vale also had a goalbound header of his own cleared from the home goal-line by the watchful Will Aspey during the second period.  

SOMETHING OF A BACKDROP.
WE LIKES THIS, TOO...

The only other goal scored by the profligate Wickermen was by the inimitable Bloodaxe, who played what appeared to be a rehearsed one-two illustration of unselfishness in ultra slow-mo with Robbie ‘The Unselfish’ Sone, before tricking Averiss. Sone probably reckoned that the gods had decreed that he would not score during the evening but the pacy Joel ‘Cursed Like St Andrew’s’ Haycock was denied six times by GSH’s plunging ‘keeper, so it looks like hard prayer for him to the god Thor for the remainder of the week will be a necessity.

GSH of course had remained in touch with Wickhamford as the encounter wore on and they might have snatched something had their finishing been more accurate and had Bloodaxe not settled the issue.

HAYCOCK (9): DESTINED NOT TO SCORE...

So, to the action: well, before the break, Haycock was denied from close range by Averiss, then three more times, two of which were at the near post, after the speedy forward had reached the left byeline. Skipper Louis ‘The 8’ Brown assisted Robbie Sone for a run on goal but Averiss advanced to block the effort and when Nathan ‘Get My Name Right’ Tomkotowicz was sent clear at inside-right, Averiss made another rush and deflected the shot past a post with his torso.

Bloodaxe saw a header fly too high, another close range nod palmed out by Averiss’ right glove and even rounded the goalkeeper with great assurance, veering left and when it seemed that his conversion was a formality, the long right leg of The Obstruction turned the ball aside for a corner. Cue red-faced irritation from Bloodaxe and a need to plunder the bar… He did score though, when a pass from Haycock set up an 18 yard shot which looped up from GSH defender 3’s challenge and dropped over the stretching, clawing Averiss. Avarice spoilt for Averiss, then…

So, what about Cochise? Well, he not only saw an unchallenged header gloved away on the goal-line by Averiss but scored goal two. This was an amusing moment all round, for the referee actually gave a free-kick to Wickhamford, which startled all present, for the official does appear not to want hassle and thus usually waives claims for fouls… The fallen Wickerman in this incident looked rather like a WW1 soldier lying in a trench or a shell hole, due to the furrows on the pitch…

BROWN, CENTRE: INDUSTRIOUS...

Robbie Sone’s subsequent free-kick from the right flank dropped over Brown, landing on Cochise’s right boot and the ball entered the right corner of the net. Simple as that…  

GSH? Not much offence to be honest but Jake Webb did fire across the face of goal, then hooked the ball wide after 19’s shot had hit Wickerman Ben Bearcroft. Webb could get no purchase on a clear chance from skipper Harry Bedford’s accurate low centre either and home goalie Luis ‘The Unemotional’ Sone picked up the loose ball. The Wicker ‘keeper also tantalised Bedford by fumbling a simple pick-up and as the GSH man made to capitalise, Sone snatched it from him. However, there was no emotion evident…

NOW, WE REALLY DO LIKES THIS...

A shot by Ash ‘I Need Something To Complain About’ Wilson did go wide but the GSH number 6 was constantly entertaining the small group of under-tree spectators with his quips and complaints, culminating in a plea for any spectator to replace the referee, “Any of you would do a better job…” Maybe, Ash, maybe…

The players went off for a recess, whereby Bloodaxe waxed his frowning eyebrows, Robbie Sone offered water to others, Luis Sone’s expression didn’t change and Cochise made sounds akin to those of a tawny owl, whilst GSH’s Wilson checked his lists of football complaints ready to use after the interval and Vale obstructed colleagues who wanted water…

YEAH, THE RAINBOW REALLY SMILED UPON AVERISS...

Fewer chances were created by the hosts after half-time but incredibly, Haycock was twice foiled from an angle at the left upright by brave Averiss saves, the second of which offered Robbie Sone a close range chance from the rebound but he kindly sliced his left-booter well off target. Both Cochise and Get My Name Right had shots blocked in a melee, Louis The 8 raced on at inside-right but fired disappointingly wide, then saw his free-kick bounce on Robbie Sone’s unselfish right boot’s toe-end and roll slowly onto the left post before crossing the byeline. 

WEBB (14): 2 OR 3 CHANCES FOR GSH...

Yes, Bloodaxe claimed a brace, following a left-wing rush by replacement Alfie Sutton, whose centre found Bloodaxe unmarked at 18 yards; he passed to Robbie Sone in a good shooting position but The Unselfish chose to return the ball to his Viking leader, who dummied slightly and hence beat Averiss easily from a few yards out. Defender 3 from GSH simply could do nothing about it, although to annoy Bloodaxe might have been unwise. I am sure the Norseman turned towards my camera and demanded to know whether I had captured that incident. I was afraid, very afraid, knowing that I would be forced to carve Bloodaxe’s head from Cotswold wood as a penance and replace our longboat’s current figurehead with his, should the footage be blank…

The visitors did threaten, for after 18 had driven wide, Webb was denied by the outrushing Luis Sone but clipped the rebound over the target, he and 18 both had successive shots blocked by the presence of Cochise, whilst substitute Jack Bate, having been moved into attack, was denied by a combination of The Unemotional and the presence of Aspey. Vale The Obstruction rose superbly to plant a header at goal but Aspey timed his jump on the goal-line to perfection and nodded the effort away, thereby obstructing The Obstruction. 

HAYCOCK STARES IN DISBELIEF.
NOT AT THE SKY, JUST AT THE 'KEEPER...

As the end closed in, Alfie ‘Head Down And At ‘Em’ Sutton made another plundering run but shot past the near post, although The Unselfish was lurking alone in the middle of the 6 yard box at the time. No comment needed…

So, an interesting evening, a superb sky, magical rainbows and good home performances by Get My Name Right and Louis The 8 in particular for the hosts, although Louis Sutton was busy, Cochise was a tomahawk in the tackle, Jack Milward lively on the right at times and Bloodaxe was a rampaging invader. A number of crosses, mail from The Unselfish on the right went unheeded but on the undulating surface, sometimes I guess actually getting the deliveries right at all can be problematic.

Apologies that I had no clue who the majority of the GSH players were but I was told a few during the second period, so thanks for that… I wondered whether Ryan Kettle was used as a replacement, in which case I could have written that ‘GSH put the Kettle on’… 

OH, YEAH, WE LIKES THIS TOO...

Best moment? Had to be when the official was badgered for the umpteenth time to ‘get on with it’ and he suddenly snapped and bellowed “I’M DEALING WITH A SUBSTITUTION, ALL RIGHT?” 

We all smiled and thus the ref reverted to his normal attitude of being like someone grooving in total relaxation at a music festival in the Glastonbury mud…

SQUADS:

WICKHAMFORD FC:

LUIS SONE, JACK MILWARD, ALFIE SUTTON, NATHAN TOMKOTOWICZ, LOUIS BROWN (CAPT), JOEL HAYCOCK, JOE NISHIGAKI, JOSH GREAVES, LOUIS SUTTON, BEN BEARCROFT, ROBBIE SONE, JAMES SCHEMBRI, WILL ASPEY, JAMES WHITE, SAM FORD, BRANDON PARKER.

GSH UNITED:

CHRIS AVERISS, JOHN WAKELING, CHARLIE VALE, JOHN CASHMORE, ADAM REEVES, AARON BENTON, HARRY BEDFORD (CAPT), LEON BLUNDELL, ASH WILSON, JAKE WEBB, DAN SILL, RYAN KETTLE, JOSH FARR, TOM SMALLMAN, JOHN AVERISS, JACK BATE.