RED NOSE DAY: SKATING ON DAMAGED ANKLES... (Raising money for Comic Relief by roller skating to work and back, 1990s...)

 Red Nose Day: 

Skating On Damaged Ankles…

(Raising money for Comic Relief...)

Comic Relief had been created

And I decided to participate.

I bought a red nose, wondered how to raise money

And chose to roller skate.

I borrowed a young girl’s discarded in-line skates,

Plastic and uncomfortable I’d say;

I attempted two separate journeys,

To and from work on ‘Red Nose Day’.

I practised skating along my street,

But for a few minutes only, I’ll admit.

The skates were adequate but strange to wear

And rather an unpleasant tight fit.

I dressed in track trousers, a curious sight,

In colours which blatantly stood out;

My red plastic nose was perched on my face,

Yet my safety was certainly in doubt.

The early going was easy and flat,

Though the surface wasn’t smooth for skating;

I turned onto Bromford Road, long and downhill

And it seemed that my toes were vibrating.

I gathered speed and I began to enjoy it,

Racing along at a considerable pace.

The banter from passing vehicles was rife

But panic soon showed on my face.

I had absolutely no idea

How to stop those wheels in-line

And I saw that just a short distance ahead

Was a side-road, the very first warning sign…

I was forced to react instantaneously,

As I raced full-tilt down the slope.

I veered left onto a drying grass verge

And sprawled, losing balance and all hope.

The skid dirtied my top and grazed my thighs,

Residents must have enjoyed the best of spectacles;

I rose very embarrassed and as quickly as possible

To avoid ridicule and dust down my testicles…

Shaken, I wiped myself down and restarted, 

Gingerly crossing the said road

But as I approached the main road and traffic flow,

My progress was drastically slowed.

I negotiated various traffic controls

Onto the Tyburn Road, the A38,

Across cobbled, uneven and badly cracked surfaces,

At a rapidly slowing rate.

I could barely skate, my ankles were sore

And as I neared the gloomy city,

I was virtually walking, slapping the skates down

Receiving smiles and glances tinged with pity.

Underpasses, then a couple of straight sections

But it became a mainly strenuous ascent,

Which took me to my workplace, Birmingham Museum,

Struggling with the footwear I had begun to resent.

A day’s work followed my trials,

Then the dreaded time arrived

When I had to strap the skates back on,

Though my enthusiasm had hardly thrived.

Downhill became my immediate horror, 

As an underpass loomed ahead;

Speeding, I felt that I could turn from the slope

Into the tunnel but out of control, I sped.

The opening approached so quickly, 

I was sure of my angles I recall,

But I careered almost straight ahead

And crashed into the subway wall…

I hit the tiles with flapping arms

And legs and hands a-flailing,

Like the stooge in a Tom and Jerry cartoon,

Chasing the mouse but desperately failing.

It hurt. It really, really did,

I had fallen like a puppet from string

But despite it being just after work,

No passers-by witnessed my fling…

I recovered from this stunning blow,

I struggled further on my way

But as I reached Aston Science Park, still downhill,

Traffic lights ahead of me lay.

I estimated that I had just enough time

To make it across the main road,

Rather heavy with rush-hour traffic,

As a green light fortuitously showed.

Yet just as I began the final descent,

The light turned to amber, then red

And I was tossed from a Tom and Jerry cartoon

Into ‘Some Mothers Do ‘Ave ‘Em’ instead…

My eyes staring wide, I reacted swiftly,

Flung out my right hand and snatched

At a sturdy metal streetlamp’s upright

 And becoming unwittingly attached.

I was wrenched with a sudden aching pull,

Completely off my feet;

I was swung round wildly, skates and all

To land heavily upon my seat…

My red nose had detached as I flew through the air

And it bounced across the road,

In front of a startled motorist,

Who’d braked in emergency mode.

I had landed in an untidy heap,

As the traffic came to a halt;

The lights had changed, I’d taken evasive action,

It was surely not my fault…

I was stunned and hurting and sore and abashed,

I rose and waved gratitude

To the open-mouthed driver, then rescued my nose

With a casual, tight-lipped attitude.

The remainder of the journey was fairly innocuous,

But just hard work. However, I suffered verbal abuse

From ignorant local inhabitants

Of Washwood Heath, their nastiness rather obtuse.

The final half-mile, through gritted teeth

Left my ankles aching and raw;

The skates had rubbed to form ripe blisters

And I collapsed on the lawn near my door.

I lay, I relaxed, I removed the skates,

My red nose was sweaty and runny;

I smiled though, for my ‘Sponsored Skate’

Had benefited charity with donations of money…

Pete Ray

This ridiculous episode took place in the early 1990s.

It’s what I did back then…

But I did raise money for Comic Relief...