THE HIGHWAY CODE IN 21ST CENTURY BIRMINGHAM... (My lighthearted poem about how it often is, though never should be...)

 The Highway Code in 21^st Century Birmingham…

Drive a people-carrier, a bully on roads,

Block up all country lanes,

Align its headlights to blind on bends,

And cause spray whenever it rains.

Be a young cool male and sit really low,

Cruise on the urban streets,

Scrape your fenders on roads like garden rakes

And deafen with heavy hip-hop beats.

Ignore mini-roundabouts, those circles of white,

Enter them from the wrong side,

Or cut off corners, or hurry straight across

And always park over the kerbs beside.

Back off your drive onto a main road,

Both lanes of traffic will stop;

Raise a finger to drivers when flashed or beeped

And hope the next car’s not being driven by a Cop.

Wait in a side-road, whether a T-junction or not,

Until only one car is in sight;

Pull out in front of the unsuspecting victim

And give the driver a spine-chilling fright.

Approach a roundabout intending to turn left

But do not indicate at all;

As vehicles wait for you to go straight ahead,

Swing left suddenly and other drivers appal.

Drive a Private-Hire taxi, pull up or out where you like

 And do not utilise indication;

Crawl slowly along, then do a sudden u-turn

To cause the maximum irritation.

Be a young, single person and test your brakes,

Stop with centimetres to spare

At lights and junctions and islands and on driveways

And think about tonight and what you’re going to wear.

Be a young, single male in a revved-up old Fiesta,

Wear a woolly hat or a baseball cap;

Grow pimples and hide beneath a jacket’s hood,

Switch lanes and barge into the smallest gap.

Go on the M6 in a ten-ton truck

And overtake in the outside lane;

Drive a lorry, a caravan, or a coach 

At a speed over 60 and you’ll cause real disdain.

Drive for a day on a double-decker bus,

Move as slowly as second gear allows;

Pull out when a vehicle is overtaking you

And enjoy the bad tempers you arouse.

Buy a white, dated van and park outside your shop,

Make sure you’re right on yellow lines;

Be certain that the police can see you illegally parked

And dare them to instigate fines…

Be a power-dresser with a cellphone pressed to your ear,

Oblivious to what’s ahead or behind;

Touch up your eyes and lips in the rear-view mirror,

So that your steering-wheel has its own mind.

Approach dual-carriageway traffic-lights and see a sign,

‘No u-turn’ it reads but you turn indeed;

Go back on yourself and down the same road,

Breaking the law and increasing your speed.

Return to the lights, wait on a zebra-crossing’s zig-zags

Until the control turns to amber alone;

Accelerate quickly to go through at red

And into a ‘No Entry’ zone.

When on the M42 with one lane closed ahead,

Don’t wait in an orderly queue;

Race on along the stunted section,

To cut up the law-abiding few.

Approach narrow lanes where road works have begun,

In your seemingly endless truck;

Edge to your right and nudge the nearest car,

Until the central barrier has been struck.

Roar away from traffic controls on your 500cc Kawasaki

Then weave between congested cars,

Particularly when rain has lubricated the roads

And your steering has descended to farce.

When next on the M5, try this little trick:

Plod along, barely awake;

Wait for the outside lanes to congest behind you,

Don’t look, don’t signal, just overtake.

If you intend to go right at an island,

Get into the nearside lane;

Signal right, cutting up the traffic

And cross over to everyone’s disdain.

When vehicles are parked on your side of the road,

Yet the opposite side remains clear;

Don’t wait as you’re supposed to but aim for the 

approaching cars

Then offer their angry drivers a finger, a snarl and a sneer.

If your shop is located in a road full of shops,

Tell your wife to park your Mercedes outside,

Partly on the pavement and on yellow lines,

So she can stem the rush-hour tide. 

Should anyone flash you or sound their horns

Because you flouted the law just a bit,

Show one finger or two fingers and swear out of your window

Cuz basically you won’t give a shit… 

Pete Ray

I make mistakes when I drive but I don’t tend to 

follow the above Code. 

Well, not much, anyway…