A SCARY DREAM, WHICH INVOLVED GARY LINEKER & MARK LAWRENSON...

Urinalball 

The urinal sat upon a pedestal

But Lineker looked rather unconcerned, 

Celestial,

As a tennis-ball pounced

Then bounced

Into the bowl and spiralled to rest.

Lawrenson yawned at the concession

Of the three points

And Lineker grinned at the decision

To use me as a substitute,

A poet of such ill repute:

I detected derision

In Lawrenson’s grinding tone

And Lineker’s sardonic groan

But I fastened onto the ball with eagerness

And precision,

Veered left and steered a low drive

Into the very corner of the urinal’s curved base,

The offensive skirting board,

Earning applause

For my one point hoard…

My arms were raised like Andy Gray’s

In his prolific Aston Villa days

And the yawning man, 

Looked on amazed

And the grinning man, 

With features lame

Stared at this non-league blogger,

Who had changed the course of their Urinal game… 

Pete Ray

August 2012 

I awoke at 03 50 hours on a Wednesday, fresh from the above dream. I guess that the Olympic coverage on the BBC channels and my previous evening’s entertainment at Coalville Town, where Bedworth United had drawn 3-3, had triggered the images. The stadium appeared to be a kind of white tiled shower-room, the goals were urinals at each end, which stood on pedestals, with curved skirting boards jutting a short way from the sides. It seemed that when a tennis-ball was kicked into the urinal, three points were scored but a low strike onto the skirting boards offered one point. Gary Lineker and Mark Lawrenson gave the impressions that they cared little. I awaited my call to enter the fray and scored my point with a low, left-footed strike to the right of the offensive urinal. My arms were thrown into the air- against my headboard actually- and of course, I awoke. I stumbled downstairs to sketch what I had been dreaming about. Maybe this three-a-side game will find its way into the Rio Olympics? 

At least Team GB would be unlikely to go out on penalties…