FA VASE ROUND 4, 2016-17: HINCKLEY AFC 5-0 BERKHAMSTED...

 Curtain Falls On Berko In Matinee Mauling At Hinckley Panto’…

Hinckley AFC 5-0 Berkhamsted

(FA Vase Round 4, 2016-17)

My daughter Lucy was at that time rehearsing for the next week’s pantomime in Norton near Worcester and she was playing the part of Tinker Bell in Peter Pan, which was odd really because I am a Peter and my other daughter is a Wendy. When the audience arrived to see Step 6 Hinckley take on Step 5 Berkhamsted in this FA Vase tie however, nobody really expected the script to be so ad-libbed by the hosts. Indeed, with mist swirling about the place like stage smoke, Hinckley roared into a 3-0 lead before ten minutes had lapsed and in truth, the Berko players looked rather like they were playing the parts of Peter Pan’s lost boys. They never really responded until midfielder Matt Jones found the space he needed to spray the ball around during the latter stages of the second period, when his team had already conceded five goals and AFC were basically awaiting their curtain calls.

Too much pace in attack, too direct, too good, Hinckley dominated this match for long periods and by the end of the performance, Berko’s bit-part players were grumbling about like Cinderella’s ugly sisters, totally confused by the turn of events and also by the fact that at the end there were four chaps called Williams in action for AFC: Mark, James, Peter and Sean, a mere 25% of the Hinckley squad on the day. At times it was like watching pantomime horses trying to compete with racehorses (Hinckley fielded a Ryan Paddock, oddly…) as the pace of Javia Roberts and Luke Richards cut through the Berko defence often at will, leaving Carl Tasker the visiting goalie hopelessly exposed. Tasker had nearly been left behind in Hertfordshire during the morning and I guess by the end of the match he wished the team-coach hadn’t returned to collect him… Little impact on offense, poor communication in defence, rare creativity in midfield, it seemed that Berko were unscripted and needed constant prompting from their coaches, who probably wished they could have turned themselves into pumpkins afterwards… 

The AFC players had surely been instructed to look into a mirror in their dressing room before the opening curtain and they demanded as one: “Mirror, mirror on the wall, make the Berko Comrades fall…” and the response from the magic glass was brutal. Within the opening moments of the performance, before the curtain had fully lifted, even before the audience latecomers had looked up from their programmes and taken their places, AFC had seen a penalty claim turned down when Will.i.ams James fell under a challenge. Home skipper Ryan Seal, indeed ‘Captain Hookseal’, was still waving his claw at the official when a free-kick was awarded to his chaps and a caution was administered to Berko skipper James Baldry. The nippy scallywag Lee Butler lifted the 23 yard free-kick over the defensive wall and the ball drifted away from the diving Tasker and dropped into the left corner of the net. The chorus erupted into cheers, the home players hugged a lot and Berko looked about for someone to blame.

BUTLER DELIVERS THE OPENING GOAL...

A second strike was soon to follow, as Berko floundered like bears whose porridge had been eaten. The ball was cleared by Whitcombe onto Roberts’ chest, Captain Hookseal passed to Butler, who switched the play left towards Andrew Westwood. He fed Roberts again at inside-left and the nippy striker slipped the constantly overlapping Thomas towards the left byeline from whence his low pass inside was swept into the net past the exposed Tasker by the predatory Luke Richards. The Berko players were bemused, beaten and bothered… The chorus chanted again, more hugging was seen on stage and before the Berko baddies could react like a bunch of bullish Baron Hardups in Cinderella, Hinckley scored a third goal. 

RICHARDS MAKES IT 2...

Richards moved forth following a shovelled pass by his skipper, pushed off a challenge by Baldry, who fell and like Prince Charming at a Ball, glided past the hesitant Tasker as if he didn’t exist and planted the football into the net. More hugs. More chorus cheers. 

PREDATOR RICHARDS AGAIN: 3-0...

The beanstalk was getting taller and even more difficult to climb for Berko, yet at least Ash Campbell made an effort to threaten on the right byeline but home ‘keeper Haydn Whitcombe shovelled the near post delivery away like a particularly nasty bag of household waste needing to be removed from the kitchen. An over-the-shoulder shot by the very competent AFC defender Jamal Clarke flew over the Berko bar following a corner, before Captain Hookseal, rarely seeming to be marked by any opposition player, moved forward at inside-right but slipped a low shot against the outside of the base of the right upright. He scowled a Captain Hook scowl in response and then, after Jones’ right-flank free-kick had been punched away well by Whitcombe and visiting striker Ash Lewis, as mean as Abanazar in Aladdin, had driven a low angled shot badly wide, Captain Hookseal drove a better opportunity wide of the right upright, failing to task Tasker. The skipper grimaced, growled and glared.

Caught napping, Clarke was forced to haul back the fleeing Campbell and he was fortunate that the offence was committed so far out, which earned him only a caution, not a dismissal. Nothing came of the set-piece for Berko, then Captain Hookseal drove way too high to a chorus of boos from himself to himself, before another Hinckley shot flew vertically like an extra-point in an NFL Wild Card game. A fine, powerful offensive header by the solid home defender Paddock scorched over the Berko crossbar, despite the fact that as I had heard others note, the visitors had looked a tall outfit. Another free-kick opportunity availed itself to Butler from 27 yards near half-time but this time Tasker was equal to the task and did well to tip the ball over his cross-beam. 

The interval arrived, the curtain of mist dropped, as did drizzle, the audience queued for their ice-cream tubs from the usherette’s tray and dithered with those useless little plastic spoons, the cast took a break and returned for Act Two with renewed vigour. Due to the rain, I had moved from the stalls into the seats and once the overture had ended, the performance recommenced and the curtain lifted, as did the mist a little.

A wide attack on the AFC left involving Richards, saw the ensuing low centre kicked carelessly and not very far by Dan Weeks, whose forward passing for Berko in the opening half had also been a little awry, to his own chagrin. Captain Hookseal, once again ignored by the Berko defensive midfield, latched onto the ball as defenders watched with disdain like Tinker Bell glaring at Wendy and fired in a shot which Tasker did well to parry towards his left and over his shoulder. He looked about desperately, the audience yelled: “It’s behind you!” but too late… Roberts was lurking like a wolf outside Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma's bedroom door at the right upright and he side-booted a narrow angled drive into the left corner of the net with aplomb. Hugs, chorus cheers but also jeers for Berko’s lack of defensive prowess. 

4-0: ROBERTS AT THE RIGHT POST...

At the other end, Campbell’s side-foot shot from Lewis’ pass was saved by Whitcombe, although a flag was waving on the touchline anyway, then the hosts totally killed the game. Captain Hookseal’s ill-fitting shooting slippers had obviously been changed during the interval and he would find that the new slippers fitted perfectly, for he again latched onto a defensive error by Berko, somehow Tasker’s slide failed and he flailed, floundered and fell like a crocodile trying to bite off another part of Captain Hook’s torso, as the midfielder rushed past, steadied himself and lashed the ball high into the Berko net. The skipper raised his cutlass, slapped his thigh then let out a mighty “Oh, arrrr…” and in truth, the Berko debacle was sealed and complete. More hugs, more chorus cheers and the all the skipper needed was a crow on his shoulder to complete the illusion… 

SEAL HAS SEALED THE 5-0 VICTORY...

Weeks pulled up his shorts to reveal high thighs but not to slap, looking remarkably like a latter-day John McGrath of 1960s Southampton fame and sorrow thus abounded in the Comrades’ ranks…

A beanstalk giant in Brad O’Donovan replaced a Jack, strangely; Berko’s Jack Stevens that is, who had worked hard enough for the visitors and the impish, beaverish Butler was given a break by the ascendant hosts, whereby we saw the entrance, stage-left, of Will.i.ams Peter, who joined Will.i.ams James, the fine right-back and Will.i.ams Mark, the influential midfielder, to tread the boards. Richards received a dreadful Berko clearance but after cutting in from the right, drove wide of the left stick, before he was replaced by Darius Darkin and then Captain Hookseal was retired from the performance and his understudy would be the rapid, racy, raunchy Will.i.ams Sean.

Berko’s Campbell did set up Lewis for a shot, which was pulled badly wide from 18 yards but from a short right-side corner, the hosts nearly got Clarke on the scoresheet. Darkin’s clever centre was nodded behind by Weeks, as Clarke looked certain to score. 

Tasker dummied the subsequent left-flank corner. “Oh no he didn’t…” “Oh yes he did…” Maybe he missed his punch. Maybe he didn’t… 

Ikem Odeh auditioned for Campbell’s role for the guests, Will.i.ams Sean used his pace and drove an angled shot from the right into the side-netting, then Odeh got away for Berko but his shot rose like Peter Pan being hoisted towards the stage ceiling. Callum Wilson-McCloughlin (thanks Berko boss Tom Garratt, you sent him on to add more time on to my typing, didn’t you?) replaced the disappointing but so talented Alex Campana and a Jones free-kick deflected off Paddock to his own goalkeeper. He hadn’t even attempted to go for the ball either, rather like the Berko players in the penalty-box…

Tasker beat away a Will.i.ams Sean drive from 18 yards, Clarke freed Roberts on the left but his final loose touch enabled the ‘keeper to collect the ball and Will.i.ams Peter shot wide from 20 yards, as the hosts continued to threaten almost every time they took possession of the ball. Jones was seeing a lot of the ball for Berko by now though and he released O’Donovan for an angled shot, right-side but even that rolled off target. The final chance was squandered by the dangerous Will.i.ams Sean, who was fed by Will.i.ams Peter, following a quickly taken free-kick but the forward, at inside-left, scooped a good opportunity horribly high. 

Finally the players were cheered by the audience. They bowed, they waved, they shook hands with each other and Hinckley’s players deserved the plaudits for they were so good on the day, with Andrew Westwood, Butler and Will.i.ams Mark as busy in midfield as Cinders in the kitchen before the Ball changed her life. Will.i.ams James and Thomas ran the flanks so successfully for the hosts that in effect, Berkhamsted’s attempts at defence looked weak and compromised in comparison. Gerardo Smaldone defended strongly enough for Berko I guess and on occasions Tom Carter made progress on the left flank but despite Jones’ promptings, Lewis, Campana and Campbell were the lesser lights on the day.

The stage smoke had virtually disappeared and the toiling Berko midfielder Steve Hawes, as involved as any pantomime dame, had left the stage without even uttering his best lines in the written script:

“I’ve been married 16 times you know!

4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better, 4 worse…”

And this Berko performance was the worst they could possibly have mustered, surely? And on a such a big stage too… 

My daughter? She was playing the part of Tinker Bell as a kind of ‘rock-chick’ apparently and was singing/bellowing the Pink song ‘So What’ at Peter Pan… 

It’s what she did, then…

 TEAMS:

HINCKLEY AFC:

HAYDN WHITCOMBE, JAMES WILL.I.AMS, LEE THOMAS, RYAN PADDOCK, JAMAL CLARKE, MARK WILL.I.AMS, LEE BUTLER, RYAN CAPTAIN HOOKSEAL, JAVIA ROBERTS, LUKE RICHARDS, ANDREW WESTWOOD.

SUBS:

JACOB STURGESS, PETER WILL.I.AMS, DARIUS DARKIN, SEAN WILL.I.AMS, KRISTIAN RAMSEY-DICKSON.

BERKHAMSTED:

CARL TASKER, GERARDO SMALDONE, TOM CARTER, JACK STEVENS, JAMES BALDRY (CAPT), DAN WEEKS, ASH CAMPBELL, STEVE HAWES, ASH LEWIS, ALEX CAMPANA, MATT JONES.

SUBS:

ED CANHAM, CALLUM WILSON-McCLOUGHLIN, ADAM MEAD, BRAD O’DONOVAN, IKEM ODEH.