Non-League Football Jargon Explained:
2: ‘Early Doors’ & ‘Right Shoulder’…
Our centre-half was built
Like a brick shithouse on Dartmoor
And his main asset to the team
Was his natural ability for verbal abuse,
Spitting gobs of snot onto the floor
And yelling unintelligible instructions
Which were generally of little use,
Like getting stuck in ‘early doors’…
I thought that he meant entrances to Stone Age cave dwellings,
Instead of ‘from the start’ or
‘At the beginning of a match’
But then he bellowed at me “Right shoulder…”
So I turned in horror to mine and searched
For upon my clavicle somewhere, I deduced
That a sick parrot was precariously perched…
Pete Ray
August 2020
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