NON-LEAGUE FOOTBALL JARGON EXPLAINED... 5: DROP ONE & PARK THE BUS (PLUS OTHER GEMS...)

Non-league Football Jargon Explained... 

5: Drop One & Park The Bus...

I was told I would be wearing number 6

And should “Get stuck in…”

That meant tackle, foul and kick ass,

Said Scraggsy the Manager, with a grin…

Scraggsy had told us before the match

That we should “Park the bus…”

But the driver had already completed that task,

So why put the onus on us?

When the match began we were immediately told,

“Get your heads on boys…” but I was caught unawares;

Should I be wearing one of those enormous heads

That idiots wore on TV’s ‘Jeux Sans Frontières’?

The next strange instruction as an opponent

Approached in possession and haste,

Was “Stay on your feet…” but did Scraggsy think

I’d walk on my hands and tackle with my face?

“Press…” he bellowed and I stood like an artist of mime,

Pushing the air like there was some resistance;

Then “Toes…” he shouted to me at a throw-in,

So I touched them and farted inside my pants…

“Track back…” Scraggsy encouraged at last

But I couldn’t remember my previous route,

Then I heard “Away…”, so, puzzled, I ran up the pitch,

Allowing my unmarked opponent to shoot.

He told me to “Drop off…” when I hadn’t climbed, 

Then “Look for the out-ball…” I heard,

But I could see only one ball and it was in,

Another instruction so sodding absurd…

Finally I found space and he screamed at me:

“Good area…” and then yelled “Drop one…”

But I’d had a shit prior to the game

And last night’s chicken Madras had already gone…

So when I scored the game’s only goal

From 30 yards, instead of the abuse he’d hurled me,

Scraggsy ran onto the pitch and jumped on my back,

Declaring the strike a “Worldy…”

Odd that, because I had scored it at the local park,

Another weird comment to be frowned upon;

Then after winning 1-0 we un-parked the bus

And on the way home just for him I dropped one…

He had wanted a “Clean sheet…" he’d told us

But why mention his laundry at all?

He buggered straight off to the pub, however,

To avoid the “Hospital ball…”

NO POSH DANCING THOUGH...

Pete Ray

November 2020