Non-League Football Jargon Explained:
4: Advice To Referees…
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| MY BIRMINGHAM MUSEUM FOOTBALL TEAM... |
Numbed by a hangover, bloated by a curry,
The marauding midfielder burped and broke wind;
He struggled, wheezing, to don his kit in a hurry
And a fag hung from his mouth as he grinned…
The reek of his farted Chicken Madras spread amok
Around the dressing-room’s close confines;
His comments revolved around the word ‘f…’
And his replies accompanied by two-fingered signs…
Out on the pitch his glazed eyes scanned the throng
For a suitable opponent but which one never mattered,
For this squat, obese bastard would launch himself headlong,
Preceding an assault, rendering his target clattered…
The stink of bad breath, the stale curry and sweat
Would face up to a referee’s yellow card
With petulance and a faked innocent mindset,
For given an inch, he would take more than a yard…
“Are you takin’ the piss ref?” he might bellow,
“I went for the ball, ref…” he might scream;
“I never even touched the twat, ref, my good fellow…”
He might argue, as his phlegm dripped like sour cream…
The advice and the excuses spilled from his dismay
With a flurry of sputum and profanity;
Cautioned and admonished he would stalk away,
His anger and ignorance clouding the inanity…
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| WHEN I PLAYED FOR THE ASTON VILLA OLD STARS XI... |
Pete Ray
August 2020
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