ALVECHURCH 5-3 DUNKIRK: FLASHBACK TO OCTOBER 2010...

Hello, Hello, Hello…

I had been to watch a nephew play for Alvechurch’s youth team during the 1970s but when I arrived at Lye Meadow for a Midland Alliance game against the dashing Dunkirk upstarts in October 2010, I was struck by a hollow feeling. A replacement grandstand, dull floodlighting and a clubhouse were all I saw, plus a cubicle, which served as an entrance and turnstile. No echoes of former glories, just a bit like a wilderness, in truth. And music.

A woman’s voice then tested a microphone with a slowed version of a policeman’s “Hello…hello…hello…” Sadly, I replied “Hello.” It’s what I do. She didn’t hear me but a male voice proceeded to read out the names of the protagonists in the competing teams. The earlier rain had apparently threatened a postponement but although slick, the surface seemed completely playable. If you wore a gold and black shirt, that is… Dunkirk were like Boatmen out of water, misplacing passes, fumbling control and fielded a goalkeeper, who, on the night, began like he was a slapstick comedian.

He fumbled a bobbling free-kick into the roof of his own net, he stood like a motionless mime-artist as goal two was diverted past him and he failed to collect an aimless punted free-kick, allowing it to bounce over him to strike the crossbar as he back-peddled furiously and tumbled to the ground whilst a waiting opponent scored. It was like a memorial to the recently deceased Norman Wisdom. Finally, he dropped right like he’d been shot by a pop-gun fired by a circus clown, as a penalty passed him in the other direction. He did make a couple of decent saves later but home forward Dempster, who had profited from unearned goals two, three and four, joined in the ribaldry and headed wide from one and seven yards after the break, accurately missing the left upright by eight centimetres each time. He was withdrawn.

The referee was a student. He was eager. And short. He wanted to discuss matters with players who were letting off steam following a day’s work and really didn't want a debate. He pointed around the field to protagonists, demonstrating the whereabouts of previous misdemeanours, shortly to culminate in a caution, maybe. He was ambitious, officious and administered the laws in an astute manner, which may not have been appropriate at Midland Alliance level. He wanted to be a P.E. teacher. The gods may have to intervene when he attempts to lecture pimply, hooded Year 9 boys with a hidden blade on a Friday afternoon.

Dunkirk netted three times but had performed badly against Alvechurch, who fielded a Pilgrim and a Charisma, whereas the visitors included a Coole, who began cold and a Want in goals, who was, er, left wanting… The most effectual person on view, however, was Rolfe, the right-back of ‘Church, who just about eclipsed the Brummie drones and moans of Charisma Agbonlahor. Rolfe ran like Mr Bean in the rear end of a pantomime horse and took an eternity to reach places where he was supposed to take throw-ins, corners, or free-kicks immediately. Surprisingly, the referee made no comment. Rolfe, slightly portly, chatted with acquaintances in the grandstand as he jogged or strolled past but his free-kicks led to goals two and three, his cross led to goal five and I was strangely impressed by his ability to waste time without any energy expended. He was effective. 

Dunkirk failed. 

And that’s what they normally didn’t do…

FACILITIES, 2010...

BARE END...

WELCOME!

A PATCH OF LIGHT IN THE DARKNESS...

THE FAT, AMBER TARDIS...

OMG... LITTLE DID I KNOW THAT 6 YEARS LATER, I WOULD COVER THE HEREFORD GAME FROM HERE...

WHY AM I REMINDED OF BRADFORD CITY?
AH, THE COLOURS...

THE REPORT:

Alvechurch 5 Dunkirk 3

Att: 63

An awful start by Dunkirk on a drenched pitch, with errors by goalkeeper Want, unsatisfactory defending by Coole in particular and four goals conceded in 26 minutes, of which three were from free-kicks and one from a penalty, left a team short of ability and resolution too much to do to make reparation. Three goals almost suggested the unlikely, especially as home striker Dempster squandered two free headers but Agbonlahor struck an 80^th minute settler for ‘Church and the Boatmen were duly embarrassed and deservedly sunk. There should have been a huge amount of injury time, however, for home defender, throw-taker, dead-ball kicker and all-round rotund fellow, Rolfe took an age to reach each incident, laughing with mates in the grandstand and infuriating Dunkirk’s contingent, no doubt. Well, he annoyed me, anyway. 

A 2^nd minute free-kick was taken by Agbonlahor, 25 yards out, inside-left channel and he simply struck it hard at the left side of goal but Want fell right and somehow managed to turn the bobbling ball upwards into the roof of the net with his hands. It was quite unbelievable and the cold evening became even more unbearable as another free-kick, this time on the right by Rolfe, was swung across goal in the 4^th minute. Only Dempster seemed bothered, as McCormick stood rooted to a spot, Want waited and a simple touch at the near post took the ball through the goalkeeper and into the middle of the net from close range. Coole was cold from the start and chased loosely around in the Dunkirk defence, leaving McCormick looking shaky, Kenton-Bradshaw out of position and Hopkinson seemingly lost, as Agbonlahor threatened and Dempster lurked. The third goal was a comedy.

White had driven too high from Westcarr’s pass, Agbonlahor, bawling in a heavy Brummie accent, scrapped with Kenton-Bradshaw, Elliott’s awful miskick was bettered by Want’s dreadful slice, before Westcarr was fouled and Garmston’s skidding free-kick went just past the left upright, with home goalie Hemmings watching intently but refusing to move his carcass. Twelve minutes of mistakes then but when a free-kick was awarded to ‘Church, 35 yards out, Rolfe strolled across to inside-left to deliver a cross. It was so badly aimed that all eyes were on Want to deal with a simple catch but he hesitated, the ball bounced up and with the ‘keeper scurrying backwards, it struck the crossbar and dropped to Dempster, the lonely recipient of a parcel from Santa and he tapped a simple goal. 

The really disappointing Gregory, who really did appear to be running about a lot but aimlessly, managed a head-on for White, who fed Elliott from the byeline but the midfielder’s 22 yard effort was well wide of the right post. Elliott was then beaten to his left by Agbonlahor, who shot past the left upright from 18 yards and on 26 minutes, with Dunkirk unable to control the ball, pass to colleagues, or look like a team at all, the young referee awarded ‘Church a penalty. The irritable left-winger Garvey, who worried Hopkinson all evening, pushed a pass out to the left and Agbonlahor. The striker’s low cross towards the edge of the penalty-box ultimately led to Coole fouling Dempster. Maybe. Dempster took the spot-kick and shot head-high to Want’s left. Want fell limply and meekly right. It was 4-0.

Want did excel for twice, saving first from Agbonlahor, who benefited from Coole falling over the ball and drove hard from 19 yards but the ‘keeper parried then after he advanced and Coole inexplicably bent down to head the ball past him, forcing Want to hack the ball out for a throw, Garvey fed Volante and Want got down to block a 16 yard drive.  Oddly, the goalie’s saves led to a lifeline for the visitors, for Scott Smith fouled the ineffective Elliott and Garmston’s 36^th minute free-kick from deep, inside-left, was headed on by White for Westcarr to jab low into goal from 7 yards, as the ball dropped onto his foot. Immediately, Garmston slipped a pass left for Piliero, who had been so quiet, it is tough to remember any real involvement at all but this time he ran onto the ball and thumped a 15 yarder past Hemmings, the effort taking a slight touch off somebody before entering the net. Westcarr was surprisingly not cautioned for striking the ball across the field, after the official had blown his whistle but the referee’s insistent pointing out to players of their previous misdemeanours was irritating. Actually, damned annoying.

‘Church had been much the better team. Dunkirk could hardly have been poorer, minus Theo Smith, ‘keeper Malak, Frawley, Grant, Day and McCaughey but the simplicity of errors was truly shocking. Hands and Scott Smith were solid in the hosts’ defence, James Blake and Carter busier and more effective in midfield than Elliott and the lost Gregory, who looked like he needed a compass, although Garmston managed to demonstrate a little skill at times.

The second period began with Agbonlahor stumbling clear but McCormick managed to stem the attack and concede a corner, at which ‘Church committed a foul. The best move of the game stemmed from a one-two between Carter and Agbonlahor, leaving Kenton-Bradshaw behind and Carter beat McCormick to cross from the right, taking Want out of the play too, leaving Dempster 1 yard from the left upright. He bent, he twisted and headed a shocking miss past the upright. We waited several hours for Rolfe to take a throw on the right, the ball was returned to him, he crossed it, McCormick missed it but Dempster didn’t, heading another simple chance wide of the left post from 7 yards, totally unmarked. Coole? No idea where he was.

An Agbonlahor free-kick was blocked then Dunkirk scored a third goal in the 63rd minute. Garmston’s tricky footwork won a free-kick, after a foul by Hands and the midfielder took a long run but appeared to direct his 28 yard shot badly and straight at White on the left edge of the penalty-box. White collected the ball, turned inside to beat two defenders and poked a slightly deflected shot into the left side of goal from 10 yards. Lots of pulling ensued, as Hemmings hugged the ball and nasty opponents attempted to steal it from him but when McCaughey replaced Coole and Kenton-Bradshaw moved into the centre of defence, Dunkirk looked safer. McCormick’s 38 yard shot was caught, Garmston and White combined but Hemmings was hurt as the winger challenged, earning White a booking, despite the pedantic local behind the goal, who instructed the referee to send off the assailant. Idiot. Pilgrim replaced Volante, not Vigilante, James Blake fed a deep pass between Kenton-Bradshaw and McCaughey but Dempster toed his shot too high from 16 yards and the forward was duly replaced by McKenzie.

In the 80^th minute, despite Dunkirk’s efforts, which were not great, it has to be reported, Agbonlahor settled the result. Want’s poor push away from a free-kick led to a melee and a throw on the right, which Rolfe took two days to walk to, pitched a tent, ate a bacon sandwich and hurled the ball, which was headed on to the striker, 8 yards out and he turned to fire a low shot in traffic past the hapless Want. Alls replaced the uninspiring Piliero, Elliott was removed too, replaced by Whitehead but it was clear that McCaughey wasn’t fit, as he struggled even to deliver his usual long passes. Hands nodded a deep corner from Rolfe back across goal but James Blake failed to connect well enough, Jackson replaced Carter and McCaughey’s long punt was turned on by Alls but Hemmings held the frustrated forward’s looped effort from 18 yards. The game ended after two appalling deliveries from the right by Hopkinson, both of which flew well wide of the near post and the misery was ended by the rather serious referee, leaving Dunkirk’s recent run in tatters and ‘Church’s recent form intact. Rolfe took three weeks to walk to the dressing rooms but little else can be said, except that Dunkirk might easily have won the game, despite everything. It’s what they usually do...