LITTLETON FC 0-2 COVENTRY UNITED: light-hearted match report by THE MOWDOG...The toss

O’Grady’s Feet Finally Finish Tenacious Ton-Boys…

Littleton FC 0-2 Coventry United

Briscoe has a quick scratch, as his mate Martin tosses with Littleton's Will Gayton...

I noticed the other day that UCL team Yaxley FC are not nicknamed ‘The Yaks’. They are rather obscurely known as ‘The Cuckoos’, even displaying a bird on their club badge. Surely that is akin to Wolverhampton Wanderers being called ‘The Goats’… So, when I mused on the fact that Stamford AFC are known as ‘The Daniels’, after Daniel Lambert, who was Britain’s heaviest fellow during his lifetime (1770-1809), simply because he had dropped dead in the town, I wondered about nicknaming other teams after a famous character from the area. Lambert had taken over running Leicester’s jail from his father, he became 335kg in weight (52 stones, 11 pounds…) and it took twenty men half an hour to drag his 112 square feet wooden coffin (10.4 square metres…) into a deeply dug trench after he had died. Lambert’s dog apparently slipped its leash one day and bit a dancing bear, which lashed out at the dog; the bear’s keeper freed it and it went for Lambert’s dog. Lambert though, struck the bear with a pole and punched it in the head with a fist, thus allowing his dog to get away. Brilliant… Later in life, Lambert moved to London and charged people a shilling (5p) a time simply to look at him in a room. He made some money too. So, maybe Stratford Town should be The Shakespeares? Perhaps Plymouth Argyle ought to be ‘The Drakes’ and Nottingham Forest ‘The Hoods’? Still think Goole AFC should be ‘The Goolies’ though, as Jasper Carrott once quipped, but they probably don’t have the balls for it. Maybe Littleton FC should not be ‘The Ton-Boys’ but ‘The Lartins’, after the nearby prison? Maybe Coventry United should be ‘The Lady Godivas’..? Er, no, that would be sad. But Sir Alfred Herbert did set up a museum in Coventry’s Jordan Well, which opened in 1960, so for this game, United will be ‘The Herberts’…

The game begins...

Rich 'Grills Bears' Morris is rather annoyed that he has to wear yellow, with wasps and midges everywhere...

Coventry, despite some carelessness on offense and a lack of accuracy with deliveries on a number of occasions, managed, finally, to overcome the stubborn Ton-Boys, who had been reduced to ten players, following the dismissal of defender Kevin Ingram for bundling over The Herberts’ Josh Blake, who always appears to play like the world is against him and he is campaigning for fairness and a better deal in life. Thus, for more than half of the match, The Herberts ‘enjoyed’ the advantage in numbers but with home skipper Will Gayton performing like General Custer at his last stand, his troops rallied round him and held out until the final minutes, when, after the hosts had replaced three starters, Josh O’Grady’s feet really began to affect the proceedings, ably supported by replacement Muzzy Nduna. O’Grady scored cleverly, Blake netted niftily, which was fitting because the match at 5 Acres was close to Blake’s Hill, which would soon become Blake’s Hell, as the grumbling forward lifted an even later effort over the crossbar from three metres. The referee took criticism from both teams for a rather inept performance, during which he appeared to react to shouts from players before awarding sometimes contentious free-kicks, although I’m certain that cannot be true, surely?

Nkosi is thinking about a wrestling scholarship at the University of Wisconsin...
(The TRUE Badgers...)

In extreme heat and on a hard, unforgiving surface, someone switched Gift Mussa on and he motored through the game, belying the conditions but it was the hosts who threatened first, when Kyonn Evans (interesting that the two number 11s were Kyonn and Kiam…) crossed well from the Littleton right and dangerous forward  Dan Holloway (incredibly a prison name, near the Long Lartin compound) leapt in front of Callum Burgess and planted a header against The Herberts’ crossbar. The early attacking feature for the visitors was Ross Briscoe, whose aerial ability and penchant for making runs at inside-left, left the home defence back-pedalling but the tall striker’s first sortie ended with a pass for Blake, who was penalised, possibly because the ball had bounced onto his arm. Blake grumbled. Briscoe’s second run ended with a slow shot to home goalie Haydn Whitcombe. The final actions in The Herberts’ offensive play were ongoing problems, for deliveries were inaccurate too often and shots rarely caused Whitcombe more than a yawn. Holloway did pass well for Jamie Clarke, whom I recall playing alongside Huddersfield’s Joe Lolley at Littleton a few seasons back, but the model’s first touch was loose enough for The Herberts’ skipper and headband-wearing Cavalier Martin Hutchcox to clear. Jean Dakouri was fouled but although Whitcombe spilled O’Grady’s floated free-kick, no Herbert reacted, or even appeared to expect the error.

The players adhere to the new, 'no crowding the referee' rule...

The game-altering moment occurred when Dakouri, who had endured a quiet opening to the game, passed Blake clear to run at goal, when suddenly, like a Detroit Lions Cornerback, home defender Kevin Ingram simply barged Blake down, right on the 18 yard line and although a free-kick was awarded, the referee decided to dismiss Ingram, thereby affecting the match critically. The grumbling Blake looked to be through on goal, it must be said. O’Grady curled the ensuing free-kick, left-booted round the defensive wall but Whitcombe moved his feet well to snaffle the ball as he fell right. A period then ensued with The Herberts dominating and home skipper Will Gayton, now in centre-defence, riling his colleagues to preserve some kind of parity, as Whitcombe took as much time off the clock as he could, which I don’t blame him for at all. Eight times the visitors moved forth menacingly and eight times the action dulled to obscurity, rather like watching a fisherman hauling in what could be a fine, weighty Marlin, only to find a dead dog hooked instead. Mussa’s fine raking pass to Kiam Galdins on the right led to an inaccurate pass inside, Blake was unable to convert at the near post, after a run along the right byeline by a persistent Dakouri, who then won possession and O’Grady freed Briscoe, who was flagged offside. Mussa and Dakouri combined but after cutting inside with a hip-swerving dummy, O’Grady shot weakly and wayward past the right upright. Briscoe headed down neatly from a deep pass but although Blake was fouled by Whitcombe, a linesman had flagged, leaving Blake, er, grumbling again. Payton was warned at length by the referee for a foul on Dakouri, allowing players to get a drink, O’Grady slipped the free-kick right to an unmarked Burgess but the right-back’s angled drive bulged the side-netting, then Briscoe did so well to head the ball across the 18 yard box but not one Herbert moved a muscle and another chance had gone begging. Finally, Nkosi Mzungwana fed Galdins at inside-left but yet again the final low pass across the penalty-area was awry.

The dismissal...

Littleton responded with a 35 yard free-kick from Gayton, which was going just too high, although Rich Morris, a spectator thus far, decided to finger the ball higher and concede a corner, which Gayton glanced on with his head, only for the ball to cross the goal-line near the far corner-flag. Whitcombe punched another O’Grady free-kick to Mzungwana, who had been rather subdued as the attacking left-back, in truth, but the resulting volley was more like a 40-20 punt by Huddersfield Giants’ Danny Brough than a shot at goal. O’Grady also joined the Inaccuracy Club, after he was upended, falling with his usual panache, for he drove a rising 30 yard free-kick way too high. The effort is still rising, I believe… The Herberts then squandered possession from their own throw, Clarke was fed at inside-left but being harried, his 20 yard shot flew low past the left upright. Hutchcox got his head to a Littleton free-kick, Ben Vallance cleared and the half ended with The Herberts looking puzzled as to how to break down the sullen, stubborn, solid Ton-Boys’ defence, surrounding the impressive Gayton.

Grim expressions...

I just wanna know whose arm is under Jamie Clarke's shirt...

Josh O'Grady prepares another free-kick miss...

Callum Burgess (2) appears to be making an arrest...

Just the weather for a doze in the sun...

Jamie Coleman replaced Mzungwana at the break for the guests, meaning a return to his natural left-back position for Vallance, who hadn’t looked entirely comfortable in centre-defence during the opening half and he drove a sliced shot well off target, as The Herberts continued to huff and puff but fail to knock the Littleton house down. And then, with Dakouri’s powerful arse shoving into would-be attackers, like he was auditioning for a Money Supermarket advert and O’Grady lurking on the right and suddenly realising that his feet had regained some of their evasiveness, Littleton began to reel slightly and on one occasion, Gayton lost his temper completely and several Long Lartin inmates scurried from the exercise yard and hid behind guards in their abject fear. Fine dribbling by O’Grady ended with another wasted and too high drive but Holloway, imprisoned previously by Hutchcox, fastened onto a loose clearance by the skipper but shot wide. Blake stumbled as he attempted to break onto O’Grady’s pass, following another dribble and Whitcombe was relieved to dive at the recovering Blake’s feet to grab the ball. Blake grumbled.

Ross Briscoe thinks that Littleton lager is rather weak...

Jamie Coleman has just told his manager that he'll only go on if Edwin will pay for his new scrotum tattoo...
Edwin doesn't look too pleased about that.

Looks like Josh 'Mr Grumble' Blake has just trodden on the referee's foot...

After a Galdins shot was deflected for a wasted corner, the midfielder was replaced by Muzzy Nduna and suddenly there were two unpredictable pairs of feet in the Herberts’ attack. A Vallance clearance fell kindly for the falling Holloway but his low shot skewed past the left upright, leaving the barely participating Morris only partially concerned but Nduna thought he’d been tripped in the penalty-box, after a quick free-kick was fed to him. The referee was unmoved. Ned Kelly replaced the hard-working Briscoe but after the ball bounced up and barely struck the arm of the clearing Hutchcox, Holloway went so close with his deftly taken 22 yard free-kick, which only just cleared the right angle of bar and upright. The three substitutions made by Littleton arrived not long before the goals followed: Dean Poulson for Sean Cooke, a lively winger, Liam Scrivens for Clarke, always a threat and James Schembri for Joe Smith. Before the latter pair of changes, The Herberts were so close to scoring, when Nduna’s skills set up a first-time 18 yard chance for O’Grady, whose fine effort curled centimetres past the left stick. Mussa got under Burgess’ right-flank centre and headed upwards, although Blake looked better positioned behind the still motoring midfielder and, er, Blake grumbled. And then The Herberts took the lead, just after someone had bellowed that just five minutes remained.

Gift Mussa, left, now in fourth gear...

Major Gayton raps out the orders...

Vallance played a fine pass inside a defender for Nduna to run onto, left-flank; the forward attempted to trick two opponents, failed, but recovered to feed the ball across for O’Grady, who suddenly turned and with a deft flick of his left boot, evaded a challenge and flicked a fine shot with the outside of that canary yellow left boot and the ball soared into the upper reaches of the right side of the net from 10 yards. A fine finish. Celebrations happened at the corner-flag, O’Grady muttered something about it’s what you do when there are five minutes remaining and suddenly, The Herberts were rocking. And Blake wasn’t grumbling…

The Gift of a Tricky O'Grady goal...

Relief...

Muzzy, right, gets the assist...

Tricky's yellow boots have done the business...

Nduna, the catalyst, showed good skills again, played a pass into the penalty-box for O’Grady, who tumbled but Blake was there, fastened onto the loose ball, dummied left of Whitcombe and shoved the ball into the empty net. Blake, far from the grumbler now, kicked a spare ball powerfully, then with arms aloft, bounced with side-jumps along the byeline, taking the massed acclaim of the occupants of the house behind the ground, who had gone out anyway. 0-2 and game over? No…

The Grumbler, aka Josh Blake has his head ripped off after scoring goal 2...

Unbridled joy for the Grumbler and the Cavalier...

Muzzy (16) muses on his second assist...

Unbelievable feet by O’Grady on the left-wing, when he was supposed to take the ball into the corner and waste time, left defenders as confused as Coventry’s fans about which club nickname is which and he placed a low centre accurately onto Blake’s boot, just three metres out and the ball ballooned over the crossbar. The Grumbler returned to his grumbling… More good Nduna work heralded the final whistle and plucky Littleton were beaten…

Muzzy looks hard for a new colour for his hair...

It's all over now...

O'Grady wonders where the badger has got to...

Whitcombe and O'Grady congratulate each other...

Neither goalkeeper had been particularly troubled but although Littleton’s attacking prowess had been stunted by the loss of a player, Hutchcox and Coleman seemed solid in The Herberts’ defence. Mussa’s engine was turned off after the final whistle, Dakouri found some innovative headgear and O’Grady’s feet had changed this game, despite the excellent defending of the resolute GayTon-Boys, inspired by their skipper. 

Josh O'Grady disguises himself from The Bodging...

The sun shone and I wondered again about nicknames… Perhaps Littleton could be named after the enclosure’s sponsor: The Bott-Boys, or maybe after Huddersfield’s forward Joe Lolley: The Lollies? No, people might suggest that it’s the team everybody wants to lick…

Eggs and chips? Too right. It’s what I do…

TEAMS:

LITTLETON:

Haydn Whitcombe, Ben Johns, Steven Edghill, Joe Smith, Kevin Ingram, Sam Penfold, Sean Cooke, Will Gayton (Capt), Jamie Clarke, Kyonn Evans.

Subs: Dean Poulson, Luke Rowlands, James Schembri, Liam Scrivens, Dan Hayward.

COVENTRY UNITED:

Rich Morris, Callum Burgess, Nkosi Mzungwana, Jean Dakouri, Martin Hutchcox (Capt), Ben Vallance, Josh O’Grady, Gift Mussa, Ross Briscoe, Josh Blake, Kiam Galdins.

Subs: Jamie Coleman, Hosein Khorrami, Wendel Moyo, Muzzy Nduna, Leon Kelly.